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Gentlemen, Please Stop Crushing Vaginas

Illustration for article titled Gentlemen, Please Stop Crushing Vaginas

I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, and at some point during our conversation, we both agreed that the epidemic of American brosephs "crushing" and "killing" things has gotten way out of hand.

I don't know how this trend started. A few years ago, I worked with a guy who used "crushed" whenever he was talking about something he just ate. "Drew, I fucking CRUSHED that hamburger just now. Just DEMOLISHED it. Ruined it! I took a wrecking ball to that hamburger, bro, and then I knocked the burger down and erected a tastefully designed series of town center shoppes where it once was. FUCKING CRUSHED BURGER!" All he had done was eaten lunch, but he was determined to make it sound like he had just completed level six of Rampage.

But bragging about eating something to completion was only the beginning of guys crushing things. Obviously, men are also starting to brag about alcohol consumption in the same way. "Bro! Me and Taylor brought home a 30-pack of Coors Light and we CRUSHED it. We CRUSHED that beer, bro. We were crushin' beers and crushin' burgers, FUCKING GODZILLA-STYLE, BRO." Yes, OK. We got it. You drank ALL the beer. That's very good. I think that's a fine accomplishment. Nothing wrong with beating your chest a little bit over it.


Nor is it necessarily wrong to brag about having sex with someone. I think bragging about sex is a perfectly logical thing to do. If someone was willing to strip down naked in front of you and let you do wonderful, disgusting things to them, I can understand why you'd want to go running to the hills, shouting out the news to every citizen you pass by. I know I'd tell everyone. But please, stop crushing pussy. For real. It's getting fucking obnoxious.

BRO #1: Bro, I took that SLUT home last night and I fucking CRUSHED it.

BRO #2: No way, bro!

BRO #1: I CRUSHED some beers, and then I CRUSHED that pussy! I crushed it, and smushed it, and mashed it into a very small pussycube, and then I took it to the pussy recycling plant!

BRO #2: Did you kill it?

BRO #1: I fucking KILLED it! I killed that slut. I took that slut out in the backyard, and shot her right in the head! DEAD SLUT, BRO!


BRO #2: Wait, now I'm confused. Did you kill her or did you actually KILL her?

BRO #1: Fucking SLAYED it, bro! Fucking KILLCRUSHED IT.

BRO #2: Way to murder that vagina, bro!

BRO #1: Fucking hung that pussy from a tree and LYNCHED it!

Enough. You've already proven your virility by sticking your penis inside someone else's body. That's good enough. You have earned full course credit for that vagina. You don't have to KILL the vagina, or suffocate it, or massacre it. That's going too far. And you don't have to crush anything else either. Guys are crushing beer, food, their taxes ("Fucking DESTROYED that 1040"), protein bars, their Netflix queue, everything.


"Hey, what's the big deal, guy? We're just goin' out and CRUSHIN' some beers and CRUSHIN' some hot poon!" Yes, well you sound like a dipshit. Stop killing vaginas. Try frosting them, or deglazing them, or use some other new term that will be played out within the next two years. It's very rare to come across a vagina. They're very sensitive organs. Protect them. Cherish them. Save them from being crushed and mutilated. They deserve nothing but the best, bro.

Image by Jim Cooke. Photos via Quang Ho (flower) and Inigo Cia (boot)/Shutterstock.

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