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Gifts For Golden State Warriors Fans

Illustration by Sam Woolley

The Golden State Warriors went 73-9 during the 2015-16 NBA regular season, only to see their championship aspirations dashed in the Finals, where they blew a 3-1 lead to LeBron James’s Cleveland Cavaliers.

You’ve surely been reminding the Warriors fan in your life of this fact every day since, but you might be thinking that the holiday season is the time to take it easy on your poor, sad, techno-doofus friend. This is not so. The holidays are in fact the perfect time to remind everyone that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the finals.


Here are five gifts to purchase for the Warriors fan in your life, whose tears will continue to nourish you in the new year.

Novelty oversized 3 and 1 decals

Your friend won’t have any idea what the hell this is for. In fact, when he or she opens this gift, they will likely look at you and say, “Hey, man, what the hell is this?”

Play it cool. Just tell them that there was a mixup, and you accidentally put the wrong thing in the box. “Sorry, man,” you’ll say. “Let me take that back. I’ll track down your real gift when I get home. This is so embarrassing!” We’ll come back to this.


A protective cup

“Hmmm,” your friend will say upon opening the Shock Doctor Compression Short with BioFlex Cup. “This looks expensive, but I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with it!”


Look your friend dead in the face and simply say, “You know what it’s for.”

Do not break the awkward silence.

“No, I really don’t,” your friend will say.

“Yes, you really do,” you will reply, resolutely.

Maintain eye contact.

“Seriously what is—”

Now you pounce.



Replica Larry O’Brien trophy

Your friend might actually like this! They will marvel at the gold finish and the sheer size of the thing. “Whoa, how much did this cost??” they’ll wonder.


You tell them. You tell them it cost you 600 fucking dollars. You tell them that you saved up for months in order to buy it. When they ask why you would do something like that, you hold up this picture:


And say, “Because I want you to look at that trophy every day. And when you do, I want you to remember that the disgusting plutocrat who owns your team did all kinds of disgusting fuck stuff to it.


A washcloth

At this point, you have almost certainly been asked to leave the familial gathering at which presents are being exchanged. Someone has said something about your “tendency to lash out” and your “increasingly anti-social behavior.”


As you are being ushered out the door, whip this washcloth at the Warriors fan’s face and yell, “DRY UP ALL YOUR TEARS WITH THAT, YOU SCUM!”


Autographed Rick Barry jersey

Okay so this one is more of a gift for yourself. Remember those big 3 and 1 decals from before? Get those babies out and stick them to the windshield of your dipshit Warriors fan’s car. Now gently place the Rick Barry jersey on the lawn, douse it in lighter fluid, and set it on fire. Go home and enjoy the holiday!


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