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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled Help This Desperate Man Choose The Worst Karaoke Song Ever

Greetings, cretins. We have an email request from a reader who's going through a rough patch. He wants off this hellish treadmill immediately. He will achieve this by...singing awful karaoke in a bar in Huron, Ohio. Guide him.


OK, so on Thursday I'm being forced (by my parents) to take my two kids (ages 3 & 6) to a family vacation at Firefly Beach in Huron, OH (??) where nine of us are crowding into a cabin built for six.

Not that my family is any more dysfunctional than anyone else's, but this is the perfect set-up for a weekend of awkward. Add to it that I haven't seen my family since I got divorced (making me pretty much a failure at life), that I have no control over my kids (I swear they conspire to try and make me look like the biggest asshole ever), that my brother only speaks in monosyllabic statements, and that my dad communicates through "belly bumps" and belched proclamations.

Did I mention we're going to be in Huron, OH? You can't even masturbate and cry there because the locals used up all the tears.

So I came up with a plan to shift the burden of awkwardness onto the rest of my family. This may not be a great plan, but it'll hopefully result in my never being invited to a family function again, or at least make everyone a little tentative around me.

On Thursday, the Erie Kai Tavern ( no, seriously, this is where we are staying, and whatever the fuck happened to make those people have those expressions in those photos is a mystery to me as well) is having karaoke night. So. I think I need to get sloppy drunk, hit on a few cougars, and sing some seriously shitty karaoke. But my question of Deadspin—this being music week and all—is what song would fit best with my planned self-destruction? I have no musical talent to speak of, and it's pretty unlikely that anyone there will have heard a single song that from any of the indie bands that I really like.

So, best song for planned self-destruction? Eleven minute November Rain? Like a Virgin? I need some help picking the playlist; I can handle the embarrassing myself and making my relatives weirdly uncomfortable part.


You heard the man. Save his mortal soul.

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