Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Last night's goalie fight between Pittsburgh's Brent Johnson and the Islanders' Rick DiPietro lasted all of one punch [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]. Down went DiPietro. Woefully. See for yourself:
• Oh look, Gilbert Arenas is launching a website about his sneakers and a Twitter account in which he's self-deemed "The Sneaker Champ." [Counterkicks]
• Jacksonville RB Maurice Jones-Drew will not say he's sorry for a critical Tweet about Jay Cutler: "If I did something wrong I would apologize. I didn't mean any hard feelings by it. I think [Cutler] understands that as well. I really think that the media took it out of control and got offended by it because players said it before certain media said it." [ESPN]
• NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told Sports Illustrated that he felt deceived by the Patriots, and coach Bill Belichick, during the Spygate mess [Sporting News]. These feelings went public on the day Belichick was named the NFL's Coach of the Year [Boston Globe].
• Former USC quarterback Mitch Mustain was arrested Tuesday night for selling prescription pills. As the backup last season, he dreamed of being the next Matt Cassel. [Orange County Register]
• Yep, someone took the time to rank the "13 Greatest Sports Stadium Sex Stories." [Ranker.com]