Hey, Progressive! Here's your next Baker Mayfield commercial

At Home with Baker Mayfield has been a staple of Progressive commercials for years now. However, after being traded to Carolina on Wednesday, Progressive will no longer have the luxury of being able to use footage at FirstEnergy Stadium for sake of continuity. With every drawback comes the opportunity for genius, especially in the marketing department. Listen up Progressive! Listen up Flo, Jamie, and friends! I have your next campaign planned out. I’ll be expecting payment (You guys got Venmo?). Here’s the script, excuse the formatting:

INT. — Bank of America Stadium, day

Baker and his wife, Emily Wilkinson, unpack a few of the props we’ve seen from previous “At Home” commercials (i.e.: coffee machine, perhaps a framed picture of him with Alice Cooper, etc.) when he gets to the nacho cheese dispenser. Emily snatches it away from Baker

EMILY

Oh, we don’t need that. We have dispensers here, and these ones have actually been to two Super Bowls.

BAKER

The hassle of moving was so much already, but Progressive made it easy to bundle our home and auto insurance, even during our move. We saved a boatload of money.

EMILY

Baker, you said you wouldn’t.

BAKER

What? We had some extra cash, so I just figured...

EMILY

Alright, but you’re taking me with you.

BAKER

Oh, no can do. I already told my friends I’d take them.

EMILY

Who?

EXT. — Beach, day

Baker is driving a boat. Sam Darnold and Matt Corral are sitting in the back.

BAKER

Man, this is so much better than Lake Erie.

MATT CORRAL

Do you think I could drive for a little bit?

BAKER

When you’re older, kid. Even I had to wait before I got to drive.

MATT CORRAL

You only had to wait two weeks.

SAM DARNOLD

Enjoy it. It sucks getting thrust right into the driving role immediately.

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF BOAT GOING ACROSS SCREEN

ANNOUNCER

Progressive. Bundle home, auto, and boat insurance all in one place.

SAM DARNOLD

(Sounding ill) Could you move to calmer waters? I think I’m gonna be sick.

BAKER

Not in the boat!

MATT CORRAL

Does he have mono again?

And scene! That’s at most a one-minute ad. After a few edits, that could get cut down to 30 or 45 seconds. Perfect for slotting in between plays, or while the referees are reviewing a challenge.

Is it bad? Probably, but I’m willing to indulge in the creative process with the great minds over at Progressive. Let’s hash out a sharper script. You gotta make at least one dig at Cleveland throughout this thing; how could you not?! You need a cameo from Alice Cooper, and adding Darnold and Corral to the mix would fill the entire Panthers’ QB room—save for PJ Walker and some guy named Davis Cheek—with Progressive representatives! No matter who ends up starting for the Panthers during the season, one of them will have been in a Progressive commercial. That’s marketing, baby!

Maybe Darnold doesn’t want his stint with mono brought back up, and maybe poking fun at his struggles with the Jets is too far—so much for “Broadway Sam”—but you have to have some back and forth like that for this to work. It makes too much sense.

Basically, I’m a marketing genius, who didn’t write a single line of cringe in the script above. NOT ONE! Feel free to email me to discuss compensation, Progressive. I’ll be waiting. Also, maybe throw in some money for this guy. He got the idea before I did. He deserves some of that cold, hard creative process cash.