Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Hoo Boy, Those Ravens Are Not Skilled At Football

Son of a Travis Henry, these Week 4 games are starting off boring. Let's check how each game stood at halftime, because that's how the other weekend guys were doing it, I think:

Browns 24, Ravens 6 — Who knew that a team with injuries of varying degrees to Trevor Pryce, Samari Rolle, Ray Lewis, Steve McNair, Jonathan Ogden, and Ed Reed would be losing to Cleveland by three touchdowns? Moreover, who knew Derek Anderson still had offensive touchdowns left in him?


Jets 0, Bills 0 — How Chad Pennington is 15-for-17 with 125 yards and no turnovers has zero points against the Buffalo Bills is beyond me. But in uplifting news, doctors say Kevin Everett finally sat up in bed and changed the channel by himself. This game's well into the third quarter already, where Marshawn Lynch gave the Bills a 7-0 lead. How generous of him.

Packers 10, Vikings 6 — As mentioned earlier, Favre's 16-yard strike to Greg Jennings gave him the career touchdown record from Dan Marino, which he'll keep until about 25 years from now, when media experts agree Jimmy Clausen will break the record. Moreover, there will be no unauthorized biography of Kelly Holcomb, namely because Holcomb will approve just about everything written about him.

Bears 7, Lions 3 — Fox analyst Brian Baldinger equated Shaun Rogers' blocked kick in the first half to Kevin McHale going up to block a basketball. Even Bill Laimbeer would have been a better outdated reference, since they're in Detroit and all. However, the ultimate parallel would have been Ben Wallace, because it's timely and pisses off Detroit Pistons fans.

Cowboys 14, Rams 7 — The only reason the Rams are in this game is because of Dante Hall's kickoff return for a touchdown. Wait, Dante Hall plays for the Rams now?


Raiders 14, Dolphins 7 — Delayed at kickoff by a lethal combination of lightning strikes and disinterest, Dante Culpepper has two touchdowns already. In the rare times Trent Green didn't throw the ball for an interception, he handed it off to Ronnie Brown, who has 90 yards and a touchdown. This game's technically not yet at halftime, but I'm an impatient dude.

Falcons 20, Texans 10 — You've been waiting to say it for the first time in your life, now all together: "I can't believe the Houston Texans are actually losing this game."

Share This Story