How many American males lose their virginity each day? Strictly Americans, strictly guys. I say it's three or four digits, my roommate says it's maybe 15. He does not want to admit there are hundreds if not thousands of people having a better day than him EVERY DAY. Will you put the nail in his sad coffin for me?
I guess we better figure out the number of virgins in the country first. The average American make loses his virginity at age 17. I lost mine at 20 (I totally told the girl I wasn't a virgin; I imagine it took roughly four seconds of me fumbling around for her to realize that I was utterly clueless). You guys who got lucky earlier in life can die in a riptide.
Let's make this easy and assume that a 17-year-old loses his virginity on the day he turns 18. As of 2010, there were roughly 37 million males in American who were 17 or under, hence 37 million male virgins. That includes babies, because babies have NO game at all. If you take that 37 million virgins and divide it by 17 (assuming that they are evenly divided by age group, even if that's probably not true), you get 2.2 million 17-year-old males currently living in the United States. That's 2.2 million floppy-haired kids skateboarding at your bus stop. GOD I WANT TO SLAY THEM ALL. If you divide that by 365 (another dumb assumption, but whatever), you get 6,000 guys who turn 18 every day. In theory, that means that you have 6,000 boys every day who go from being statistical virgins (17) to statistical non-virgins (18).
That would make it roughly 6,000 terrified boys every day who are awkwardly trying to stuff their semi-flaccid penis into a classmate, asking them "Is it in?" and then asking, "Could you maybe suck it for a bit, so that I'm super-ready to go?" and then limply orgasming after six thrusts. OH THE JOYS. There are millions of people out there having more fun than Elliott's poor roommate, but it ain't the 6,000 poor bastards losing their cherry today.
Now, to the Funbag below!
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at email@example.com. You can also order Drew's new book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.