Joe Biden will participate in the "first kick ceremonies" tonight to welcome Major League Soccer's newest team to America's angriest city. How will he bungle this particular public appearance? Here, a few ideas.

In increasing order of likelihood:

- When the head of the MLS pats him gently on the back during a photo op, he'll fall to the ground writhing in agony and clutching his leg.

- He'll lean in close to one of the WAGs and ask if her bra size is "World Cup."

- "G'day, mate!" he'll say nonstop in a British cockney accent that resembles most closely an Irish brogue. "Nil nil! I just love saying that!"


- He'll quip "Say, where are all the Guatemalans?" and go on to rhapsodize, for ten minutes and with genuine fondness, about that time he played a game of pickup with the White House landscaping crew.

- "Wait, I thought I was invited to a football game!" (and/or he'll show up wearing shoulder pads or a helmet)


- Telling the crowd that Philadelphia is one of his favorite movies.

- In lieu of ceremonially tapping the ball and posing for a smile, he'll take off down the field, drill a shot into a bewildered goalie's face, and stand over him yelling "who's the winner NOW, Barack?" again and again and again.


Seriously, don't put anything past our dear Vice President. This is a man who once asked a paralyzed Senator to stand up for a round of applause. This man is a national treasure.