How Will Joe Biden Manage to Offend Soccer Fans Everywhere?

Joe Biden will participate in the "first kick ceremonies" tonight to welcome Major League Soccer's newest team to America's angriest city. How will he bungle this particular public appearance? Here, a few ideas.

In increasing order of likelihood:

- When the head of the MLS pats him gently on the back during a photo op, he'll fall to the ground writhing in agony and clutching his leg.

- He'll lean in close to one of the WAGs and ask if her bra size is "World Cup."

- "G'day, mate!" he'll say nonstop in a British cockney accent that resembles most closely an Irish brogue. "Nil nil! I just love saying that!"

- He'll quip "Say, where are all the Guatemalans?" and go on to rhapsodize, for ten minutes and with genuine fondness, about that time he played a game of pickup with the White House landscaping crew.

- "Wait, I thought I was invited to a football game!" (and/or he'll show up wearing shoulder pads or a helmet)

- Telling the crowd that Philadelphia is one of his favorite movies.

- In lieu of ceremonially tapping the ball and posing for a smile, he'll take off down the field, drill a shot into a bewildered goalie's face, and stand over him yelling "who's the winner NOW, Barack?" again and again and again.

Seriously, don't put anything past our dear Vice President. This is a man who once asked a paralyzed Senator to stand up for a round of applause. This man is a national treasure.