Hugh Johnson Project, Update 1

South Florida leads Tyler Palko and Pitt 14-3 at the half, behind the strength of two fake punts, and a quarterback named Grothe that might be the best college or professional quarterback in all of Southern Florida. Florida State is hammering Virginia, 17-0 in a battle of two of the many ACC teams that just aren't very good. Michigan's beating up on Ball State on ESPNU, because it seems like that's what Michigan does every week. Here's your College Football Scoreboard.

On with the Hugh Johnsoning...

Why the hell are you talking about college football? Didn't you all get the memo that horse racing was the most important event of the afternoon? Damn you people and your free will! - ESPN Vice President of Programming

(I don't think that's really ESPN's vice president.)

Is it a bad thing that I'm a freshman and I still crack up every time I hear that my college is playing Ball State? - Corey, Ann Arbor, Mi

(Nah, not at all. If you were a sophomore, it might be different, though.)

On College Gameday, for no reason I can discern, Kirk and Lee were dressed like Ace and Gary right before it was over. - Andie

Only one day after Borat opens and the Gameday folk are already incorporating it into their signs: "Throw the Sooner Down the Well." - C

Hey, if PSU loses, I still got the Pittsburgh Stee... at least I got the Pira... at least I got the Peng... well, at least I have a 5th of gin and some tonic water. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR. - nator76

Welcome to Paul Maguire's career: he just spent the last two minutes confidently telling the world that the Badgers didn't convert on a 4th-and-1. Obviously, when they got the first down, Paul blamed a knot in the chain. That's right, Paul's wrong because there's a KNOT in the CHAIN. - Cody

In the Penn State - Wisconsin game, they just alluded to Mike Patrick's flatulence problem today. This is probably the only thing worse than talking about Coach Paterno's "stomach" issues. - Simon

I think I just heard "Boston College at Wake Forest has huge implications" on ESPN. Is there some kind of holy war going on? - LucKy13BaLLeR

Apparently Paul Maguire has ate a bunch of chili, a few brats, and some cheese fries at like 10 in the morning and is farting up a storm in the booth. Nessler is happy that Maguire is on the other side of the booth leaving Griese as the one suffering though Maguire's stink bombs. No word on if Maguire is dropping lines like "Now listen to THIS!" or "Look, right here... smell that? Wow!" - Life on a Bench