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I Am Here To Provide Kids Like You With A Game Plan For... WHAT THE F#!K KINDA CALL WAS THAT, YOU F$^KING JEW F*@K?

Illustration for article titled I Am Here To Provide Kids Like You With A Game Plan For... WHAT THE F#!K KINDA CALL WAS THAT, YOU F$^KING JEW F*@K?

Welcome back to the Deadspin Guest Lecture Series. Each week, we'll be inviting various luminaries from the world of sports - players, coaches, broadcasters, and MORE! - to speak to you Deadspin folks. This week: Duke coach and shining beacon for all that is right in college basketball, Mike Krzyzewski.


You know, the program here at Duke is unlike any other program in Division I basketball. I know other coaches like to tell kids like you that you'll get starter's minutes the second you enroll here, but we don't do that here at Duke. You may start your freshman year, true, but I'm not going to put you out on that court unless I know you're in a position to succeed. I WANT you to succeed. I WANT you to play at your best. Which is why I'm not going to make any empty promises to you. I'd like to think we're a different kind of program in that regard. Yes, I'm here to help you succeed in basketball, but I'm also here to provide kids like you with a game plan for...

Hey! Hey, ref! WHAT THE FUCK KINDA CALL WAS THAT, YOU FUCKING JEW FUCK! Yeah, that's what I fucking called you! Whatsa matter, you don't like it? Tough fucking shit, you fucking bagel-eater! You gonna kick me out of MY goddamn arena, you fucking piece of shit?! You think the 9,314 people sitting here are just gonna let your Jew ass walk out that fucking door?! SWALLOW THE FUCKING WHISTLE OR I'LL FUCKING INTERN ALL YOUR LITTLE JEW BABIES!...


(Cameron Crazies start chanting "CHOO CHOO!")

Sorry, bit of business to tend to there for a moment. Anyway, as I was saying, we at Duke don't think of our program as a team. We think of it as a family. But I'm sure a lot of programs are like that. At Duke, we strive to be a bit more unique in that regard. I don't want you to think of the team as a your immediate family, but I want you to think of the rest of the University as your EXTENDED family. The faculty, the students, even the facilities staff. At Duke, we stress the student first and the athlete second. I want you to think of yourself as an individual, and not merely a cog in some big-time NCAA program. It's been my philosophy here for 28 years: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. That means emphasizing making you a good person, and not just a good...

FOUL! FOUL! FOUL! FOUL! How the fuck did you not call that foul, you fucking Jew mongrel shitbag? What, did you listen to your fucking blackie friend over on the baseline? Where is that asshole's discipline? Was he too busy staring at all the young white women in MY crowd? He's not allowed to do that! TRAIN YOUR GODDAMN NEGROES, LIKE I TRAINED THOMAS HILL, YOU FUCKING MAUREEN-DOWD-READING JEW COCKPULLER!...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "WHO'S YOUR MAM-MY?")

What I hope to instill in you is a sense of self-discipline and appreciation of teamwork on the court that can easily translate to how you conduct yourself in all other arenas of life. I've always said to all our kids, you won't be playing this game forever. I'm different from other coaches like that. If I haven't adequately prepared you to succeed OFF the court, it doesn't matter how many games we win. I want all our kids to have a successful life, even if that means they come here and never step on the court. Lots of our kids have gone on to great careers in fields like finance, or investment banking, or stockbroking, or trading, or investment trading, or financial stockbroking. The options are limitless, and we have an alumni network that is HUGELY supportive. I think in many ways that's my proudest accomplishment as coach: seeing these kids mature into...


YOU FUCKING JEW COCKSUCKER! You are trying to STEAL this game from my kids, you fucking stitched-up twat! This happened all the time to my fucking parents when they were in Poland. Some fucking tricky Jew would ask for their help, but they'd use their sneaky Jew phrasing to screw them over later! I won't let you Jew my kids out of this game! This campus is 10 percent Jewish, BUT WE KEEP THOSE KIDS IN THEIR OWN FRATS FOR A REASON! I'M STRIDENTLY AGAINST ABORTION UNLESS IT MEANS THE GRADUAL PHASEOUT OF YOUR FUCKING SPECIES, CHRIST-KILLER!...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "WE HATED YOU IN JEW-NO")

Now, you're gonna have to work hard. All our kids work hard. But the reason they work hard is because they see the end result of all that dedication. And, again, I'm not just talking about basketball. We're different here at Duke. I want you to dedicate yourself not just to game study, or your classes. I want you to dedicate yourself to your relationships, and your intramural activities. There's so MUCH here to take advantage of, and all our kids do. If you look at our team now, you'll see an enormously diverse group. Some of them are from New Jersey. Some are from Connecticut. Some are from New York. And a couple more are from New Jersey. And they all have divergent interests. Jordan Davidson likes Coldplay, whereas David McClure prefers David Gray. And, the irony is, it's this shared dedication among them all that allows them to be so different! Isn't that amazing?...


TEN SECONDS! TEN SECONDS! TEN SECONDS! His foot was over the line? FUCK YOU. Fuck you and you fucking family and FUCK your children and FUCK whatever children they end up having, which I hope is none. You are a fucking mold on our society, you fucking Jew bastard. You are no longer welcome here at Cameron. I hope one of our students finds you and douses you with kerosene and lights you aflame in front of your wife...

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "JEW'RE EN FUEGO!")

So that's the pitch. Like I said, my focus is completely on our kids. If I never win another basketball game again, but kids still turn out great, then I feel like I've done my job. And I think Duke is different in that regard. Don't you?...


Es ist ganz gleich, aus wessen Judenkopf diese Enthüllungen stammen, maßgebend aber ist, daß sie mit geradezu grauenerregender Sicherheit das Wesen und die Tätigkeit des Judenvolkes aufdecken und in ihnen inneren Zusammenhägen sowie dan letzten Schlußzielen darlegen!!!

(slams fist on scoring table)

Die beste Kritik an ihnen jedoch bildet die Wirklichkeit! Wer die geschichtliche Entwicklung der letzten hundert Jahre von den Gesichtspunkten dieses Buches aus überprüft, dem wird auch das Geschrei der jüdischen Presse sofort verständlich werden. Denn wenn dieses Buch erst einmal Gemeingut eines Volkes geworden sein wird, darf die jüdische Gefahr auch schon als gebrochen gelten!!!!


(slams fist on scoring table)

(Cameron Crazies start chanting "DEATH TO THE JEWS!")

Like I said, we're very special.

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