I Can't Stop Staring At Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Ass Tattoos

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This week, in the annual Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine, Zlatan showed his ass, and friends, the ass is a masterpiece.

The butt is a face—the butt crack forms the nose and the lower back tattoo provides it with a gnarly unibrow. The eyes, with their slightly different pupils, are crazed kaleidoscopes that compel the viewer to stare further into their depths. The face-butt is either shocked, or winking, or has one eye boinging out like a cartoon character who just got nailed in the dick and is doubled over in pain.


I am equal parts hypnotized by the pure visual majesty of the butt and awed by how much a person has to be feeling himself to get his entire ass cheeks covered in matching tattoos. These questions probably can’t be considered separately.


They may, in fact, not be answerable at all. As Nietzsche said, “If you stare into the ass, the ass stares also into you.”