Screenshot: ESPN

This week, in the annual Body Issue of ESPN The Magazine, Zlatan showed his ass, and friends, the ass is a masterpiece.

The butt is a face—the butt crack forms the nose and the lower back tattoo provides it with a gnarly unibrow. The eyes, with their slightly different pupils, are crazed kaleidoscopes that compel the viewer to stare further into their depths. The face-butt is either shocked, or winking, or has one eye boinging out like a cartoon character who just got nailed in the dick and is doubled over in pain.

I am equal parts hypnotized by the pure visual majesty of the butt and awed by how much a person has to be feeling himself to get his entire ass cheeks covered in matching tattoos. These questions probably can’t be considered separately.

Screenshot: ESPN

They may, in fact, not be answerable at all. As Nietzsche said, “If you stare into the ass, the ass stares also into you.”

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Screenshot: ESPN

[ESPN]