I Don't Care What All The Haters Are Going To Say: Tom Brady Is God And I'm In Mourning

I’m staring at a bottle of tequila.

It’s not even noon yet as I begin writing this, but I know I’m going to start drinking it soon. It’s one of those big bottles, too. It’s 1.75 liters of 1800 Silver, 100 percent Agave. It’s not even my drink of choice, because when I do tequila, I do Añejo and it has to be Casamigos.

On my TV, Stephen A. Smith and Max Kellerman are ranting and screaming like they do every morning. But today, it’s different. They’re discussing my guy, Thomas Edwards Patrick Brady Jr.

The greatest football player to ever walk this Earth.

The man that has been my quarterback for over 20 years.

The dude I call “White Jesus.”

God help me.

Tom Brady is the sole reason I became a Patriots fan. I’m from Michigan, and Brady showed up in Ann Arbor in 1995 in the same recruiting class with another guy you may have heard of, Charles Cameron Woodson. I’ve been rocking with Brady for a long time. I knew he should have been the starter after Brian Griese graduated. I had to endure Lloyd Carr’s decision of making him split time with Drew Henson. And I had to watch him sit behind Drew Bledsoe in New England.

I’ve been linked to this white man for a long time. This is what Martin Luther King Jr. saw in his dream.

But now, my life is a nightmare.

Jarrett Stidham? This is supposed to be my new quarterback?

I’m sorry, but an 18-9 record at Auburn isn’t good enough for the guy who is supposed to replace the G.O.A.T. And I know there will be speculation about who the Patriots need to trade for/sign in free agency, but I’m not at a place in which I can even think that far.

All I keep thinking about is how a sixth-round pick surpassed Jim Brown, Jerry Rice, and Joe Montana as the best football player of all-time, and created a resume that includes six Super Bowl rings, four Super Bowl MVPs, nine conference titles, three regular-season MVPs, 14 Pro Bowls, 17 divisional titles, and 58 (and counting) game-winning drives.

There will be many, and I mean many, that will mock and ridicule Brady’s last play as a Patriot, given that it was a pick-6 to a former teammate. Have your fun, enjoy it, because I’ve enjoyed him ripping your team’s hearts out for 20 years.

What’s next?

I have no idea, but my allegiance to that cheating-ass team in Foxboro will remain intact, while I also cheer for Brady In Tampa Bay, if he indeed goes there as ESPN reported Tuesday.

Michael Irvin is now on my TV screaming. That means I have to go now because drinking has commenced.

Thanks for everything White Jesus. I love you and all your problematic political beliefs.

Go Blue!