If MLB Had Relegation, This Would Be Quite The Battle

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Bringing more misery to the Middle East, the Marlins kicked off an Iraq visit by stopping in on the Kuwaiti Little League. They worked on fundamentals and shared tips for success, and I really think the Marlins will benefit from their lessons.

• Landon Donovan scored his first Premier League goal, in Everton's 2-0 win over Sunderland. Proof that not all American involvement in Merseyside soccer is a bad thing.

• Kurt Warner announced yesterday... that he'll announce tomorrow whether he's going to retire or not. Normally we'd savage him for dragging this out, but in a world where Brett Favre exists, as long as he clears this up by September, we'll be cool with it.

•Nets win! Nets win! Nets win! Their first victory of the new decade, New Jersey topped the Clippers 103-87 to move to 4-40 on the season. Los Angeles drops to 20-34, because every loss to the Nets is worth 10 regular losses.

•Serena Williams and Justine Henin both advance in straight sets, and will meet for the Aussie Open crown on Saturday. But more importantly, they saved us from an all-Chinese final. Since tennis is technically an Olympic sport, that's one sport the Chinese can't pummel us (or the Belgians) at!

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It's Thursday. Make yourself a big cup of coffee—none of that freeze-dried crap—and settle in.