Oooh, loogit! We got letters! And here they are:
Dieter:
When you visit a couple you're friends with at their home for the first time and they give you the tour, including the bedroom, do you fixate on the bed for a few seconds? I have to, picturing them doing it. I can't help it. It's like, "that's where they fornicate." I used to feel like I was creeping on the girl, but awhile back I did it at a gay couple's home too.
This weekend the experience went to a new level. A friend of mine recently moved in with his girl and their new apartment has a sweet master bath, huge with a separate tub and a stall shower as big as my entire bathroom. Immediately, I pictured them doing it doggystyle in the shower, the way I'm sure they did within hours of moving in.
Just had to share that. Maybe you do it too or maybe you don't.
Yep, I do that. Like Dieter said, I can't help it. I see two people, I see their bed, and immediately my brain turns on a hardcore porn film in which they star. They don't have to be good looking. Shit, they could be my friend's grandparents. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I want that image in my head or not. It just pops up. OH HEY THOSE TWO PROBABLY FUCK!
I'll do this when I watch ads too. Like, if it's some Michelob Ultra ad and some guy and girl are going on a really tough bike ride together and then unwinding afterwards with a horrible, horrible Michelob Ultra, I will always play that scenario out to its logical conclusion, namely those two banging like crazy over an apartment balcony.
I've learned to live with this part of my brain. There's nothing I can do about it, short of a stay for a week at Gentle Path, but fuck THAT. I assume it's just one of those things hardwired into the male DNA and has been since the Stone Age. We're programmed for sex, so that we might then go have sex and propagate the species. It's just who we are.
This is why I get annoyed with any women who complain about men objectifying them. First of all, just because a man thinks of you sexually doesn't mean he can't also think of you as a living, breathing person. It is possible that we can do both, you know. We're not such simpletons. You can look at a woman and think, "Oh hey, she seems nice. I'd totally have sex with her. But I respect her in other ways as well!" That's not objectifying a woman. I dunno how thinking sexually about a woman turned into this EVIL thing men aren't supposed to ever do. We're men! That's what we're designed for! Bitching about men thinking sexually is like bitching about night for being fucking dark.
I'm just gonna lay it all out on the table for the ladies out there right now. Every man you have ever encountered in your life has pictured you as a sexual partner. Every last one of them. Your teacher. Your boss. Your dad's golfing buddy. Your gay friend Lance. The lawn guy. Your pastor. All of them. Whether they wanted to think of you in that way or not, they almost certainly did. It's the first thing most any man pictures when he meets a woman. Shit, it's the first thing he pictures when he meets a piece of furniture or a farm animal. That doesn't make him bad, or sinister, or evil. That just means he's a man, and he's programmed for such things.
I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying it happens, and many of us do what we can to deal with it. So bear with us while we try, every day, to repress the prehistoric, sexthirsty beast caged inside of us. It's NOT an easy thing to do. Some guys fail and spend all day typing into the comments section DURRR SHE'S HOT ID FUCK HER, but some of us have more self-control than that. Give us a little credit.
Adam:
You ever flip a plate of food around while you're eating and all of a sudden it's like a totally different meal?
I have! Look at that! The broccoli is in front of me now! This is suddenly a broccoli-centric meal! I dunno how I feel about that.
You're more likely to do this sort of thing if you're someone who eats the components of your meal separately (first the chicken, then the rice, then the vegetable, etc.). I don't do this. I eat so fast, I'm not even sure what part of the plate I'm targeting. It's just this massive vortex of teeth and saliva and hungry grunting. It terrifies anyone who sees it. The only time I turn the plate is when I bite into a side dish and think to myself, "HOLY SHIT. THIS IS AMAZING. I GOTTA SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THIS." Then I turn the plate and, as Adam says, it's like seeing the meal in a whole new light.
Food is good.
Jake:
Are bald people intrinsically more dickish than those of us hirsute-headed individuals? I'm a waiter, and yesterday when I went to sit a couple, I say "Table for two?" Dude (in a hat, that after I seat them he removes to reveal a shining dome) says, dickishly, "Well, none of my invisible friends are here."
Dumb question, but it's fucking routine to ask how many people are sitting, asshole. I'm 20 with a full head of luxurious, curly, raven locks. Was he such an asshole to me because he was bald or is this just coincidence? I say bald people are dicks.
I think most SHORT bald people are dicks. If you're tall and bald, I think you're less likely to be an asshole because you know people aren't always looking down on your bald spot. It has to be aggravating to be bald, because you know it's the first thing people think about when they meet you (after picturing you sticking it to your old lady, of course). I meet any bald guy and I think to myself, "Hey, he's bald!" Just like when I meet a black guy. Any time I meet a black guy, I always think to myself, "Hey, that guy's black!" This is idiotic, but yeah, that's what I do.
So most bald guys are bitter. And bitterness is likely to make you a bastard. There are guys like Larry David who can turn that bitterness into charm through force of humor. But Larry David is one of the greatest comic minds in history. Other bald men aren't. So you get guys who are sarcastic and bitter without actually being funny. Ever meet people like that? People are just unrelentingly cynical but are never actually funny? I fucking hate people like that. Boston is SWARMING with those kinds of people.
Dave:
Getting into the car today, it happened to be 103 degrees outside (fuck Tucson, AZ). Being a dumbass I reached for the seatbelt to put it on. Naturally, I grabbed the blazing fucking hot metal click in part of the seat belt and nearly burnt my fingers off. That stupid fucking thing is awful. Fuck whoever invented it.
Agreed. All seat belt components should be made of carbon fiber, or some other kind of material that doesn't conduct large amounts of heat. My car is a '96, and stepping into it on a 100-degree day is basically like stepping into a fucking minefield. There are any number of little metal parts ready to burn you to death. There's this black metal ringing the door that's hotter than a motorcycle exhaust pipe. You die if you touch it. It's horrible. So I have to get in while making sure no part of my body touches the door frame, like the reverse of playing "Operation".
And my car represents a vast improvement over the cars of my childhood. My dad had this old Lincoln when I was a kid. It was dark, dark red, and so the interior on any summer day would climb up to fifty thousand degrees. But that's the interior of any dark parked car. The problem with this car was that there was metal EVERYWHERE. You couldn't open the car on a hot day because the handle was made of metal and therefore felt like it had been roasting on top of a fucking anvil for a year. I remember going to absent-mindedly sit on top of the hood one day in August. My ass was medium well within half a second. I fear hot cars.
Hof:
A death row inmate was recently executed by firing squad, he had the choice of that or death by lethal injection. Am I the only one who wants to take that a step further? I think we should allow the average citizen to choose how death row inmates should die, prisons could set up online polls and we could vote. Who wouldn't want to vote on that kind of poll?
I'd vote in it. The only people who wouldn't want to vote in it are dipshit columnists like George Will or some shit like that. Wahhh wahhh IT'S BARBARIC! Well, what's wrong with a little barbarism from time to time? I LIKE things that are barbaric. I say we should be able to kill prisoners by stoning, hanging, or fire ants if we so choose. We're already killing them. May as well do it with some flair.
The reason this will never happen is because of lawyers, who would never go for it. Fucking lawyers. If you've ever asked yourself why some kind of cool technology doesn't exist yet, or why one thing is a certain way and not a better way, it's because a lawyer kept it from happening. Lawyers ruin EVERYTHING.
Eric:
On my flight down to South Africa EgyptAir unveiled something I had never seen before on a flight - Nose Cam. Basically they had a camera planted in the nose of the plane whose feed they piped directly into the main cabin all during taxiing and takeoff. The whole thing was strangely mesmerizing. I now demand that all planes immediately adopt this feature, and those flights where you have individual monitors in the seats should have the option to watch this cam for the entire flight. Not only would I totally flip over ever ten minutes to see what was going on, but how cool would it be if you suddenly saw the plane plaster a bird or something?
So the camera is right at the front of the plane? That would be fucking cool during takeoff. Look how fast we're going! Now we're going up WOOOHOOO! But I can't imagine it would be that fun to watch in mid-flight. All you would see is advancing sky.
And then what about landing? Do they turn it off so people don't freak out? When a plane lands, its nose is actually sticking up in the air, so you probably wouldn't see anything. But if that camera were on a swivel and could face downward? Well then, that would be mighty freaky. HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE FUCKING GROUND!
When I first read Eric's question, I thought he meant there was a camera on at all times in the cockpit. I'm sure no airline would ever do this, because you'd flip out if you checked the camera feed and saw the pilots didn't have their hands on any of the controls. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! KEEP FLYING, YOU FUCKERS! But I'd still monitor that thing closely, to make sure the pilots aren't drinking or getting sky head on the job. I have to think 90% of pilots make it a life goal to get sky head.
(NOTE: If you've ever gotten sky head while flying a plane, you should probably send an email my way.)
HALFTIME!
Seez:
I was undressing after work, and held an impromptu press conference (in my brain) wherein I praised the pants I wore every day for a solid week.
"They did everything we asked of them. And more. What can you say about solid veterans who know their role and don't ask questions?"
I stopped short of suggesting a max deal, though. Dan Snyder will buy them off me for a cool $67 mil.
Have you ever held a press conference (in your brain) where you praised the efforts of an article of clothing?
No, but I've held an imaginary press conference to discuss virtually everything else humanly possible. Training camp is back now, so I'm obviously gonna spend a lot of time holding imaginary press conferences where I'm the coach of my team and I evaluate the day's practice session. I also take great care to discuss big picture team issues with the press. Every year, I tell the press we do not have long term goals as a team. Our only goal is to win every game we play. If we end up winning the Super bowl when season is over, that's great. But we're never gonna be looking to far down the road. Imaginary Coach Drew is crazy focused.
Brad Childress gave a presser today where he said he hadn't heard anything about Brett Favre retiring, which is so like Childress I want to drive to Minnesota right now and step on his fucking bald head. I spend a lot of my imaginary press conferences revising whatever stupid thing Childress said and picturing how I would do it differently if I were coach of the team. This pretty much occupies me for the entirety of every Vikings season. And I'm not like Belichick where I give nonanswers. I give GREAT copy. "We're done fucking around, people. The Minnesota Vikings are going to fucking ATTACK. And people from Green Bay are retarded mongoloids. YOU CAN QUOTE MY ASS ON THAT."
I also give press conferences for my various movie premieres and reunion tour announcements. Will this be our biggest tour ever? YES IT WILL. I also am often called on to head up the press conference for any domestic terrorist attack. I picture myself very somber, very soothing to those watching at home. "We don't know how many casualties there are yet, but we pray they're as low as possible." Then I step off the podium and personally go to comfort the families of the deceased.
I've announced several high profile police arrests. Who the hell wouldn't want to have been the dude who told the world OJ Simpson was a murder suspect? That guy had to have a raging hardon in his pants when he was announcing that. A famous guy cut his wife's head off, AND I GET TO TELL EVERYONE! That's fucking great. Like telling a billion people the coolest secret you'll ever hear. I'd kill to host a big time police press conference. Or to be a hospital spokesperson announcing that the operation on those Siamese twins connected to the dick was a complete success. THEY WON'T BE PEEING INTO EACH OTHER ANYMORE!
I remember when Tiger held that horrible press conference to apologize to everyone, and he fucked it up. Well, I spent a solid week picturing myself in Tiger's shoes, holding that same presser but being 90 times more composed and eloquent. By the end, everyone understands my plight and sympathizes with me. My wife takes me back. Female reporters want to bed me. All is good for Drew-Tiger once more!
Owen:
I work in a building that doesn't have light switches for the bathrooms, but motion detectors that trigger the lights on instead. I believe that the lights stay on for up to 5-10 minutes if there is no movement detected, then they automatically turn off.
I went into the men's room to pee just after 7:45 AM. While that is still a bit early for a normal weekday, it still has almost always been busy enough in the past to keep the light on. But this morning, when I opened the door, the lights were off. I didn't think it was all that strange. Until I saw white sneakers covered by blue jeans poking out under the stall closest to the urinals. Someone was seemingly taking what had to have been at least a 6, if not 11, minute dump. But there was no noise. No straining, no plopping. Not even a "Thank you" for relieving him of pooping in the dark. The more I think about, the more concerned I am getting. Could he have pulled a Gigi from "The Sopranos", and bought the farm on the can? Did Larry Craig shank him to keep him quiet? What should I do?
Just get the fuck out of there. If I have one rule in life, it's to NEVER trust people who shit in the dark.
I've been in bathrooms that have motion detectors. They've never gone off while I've taken a crap, and Lord knows I've taken my sweet time sitting on the can. Most motion-sensitive lights will stay on with a person in the room because people, you know, MOVE. So your guy went in to take a shit, and then froze in place long enough to the lights to go off. Then, and this is the fucked up part, he apparently did NOTHING to get those lights back on. He didn't wave his hands. He didn't yell out HEY I'M SHITTING HERE! He didn't do that. That's terrifying.
I've played that trick on friends where they're taking a shit and I leave the bathroom but flip off the lights right before I go, leaving them shitting in the dark. I do it to my wife at least once a month. She does NOT like it. And who would? I've been the victim of that prank and it's horrible. You're shitting and suddenly it's very dark and you're all alone and your asshole is hanging out. No one would enjoy that sort of thing, except for SERIAL KILLERS.
Ward:
Can you explain to me why the fuck Sunday is considered the first day of the week? Isn't it Monday? First, you don't start the work week on Sunday like you do Monday. Second, isn't Sunday considered a part of the weekend? So, how the fuck does the week start on the weekend? Tell me I'm not the only one that is perplexed by this.
Wikipedia says:
According to international standard ISO 8601 Sunday is the seventh and last day of the week. In the Jewish law, Sunday is the first day of the Hebrew calendar week.
In other words, BLAME THE JEWS.
I understand your anger, since having Sunday be the first day of the week helps contribute to Sunday Night depression. Monday is just around the corner. In fact, the week has already started! You're behind on work already! I get why it would annoy you. But in essence, it's just a calendar thing. If you say Monday is the true first day of the week, who's to stop you? You're not going to be arrested for telling people Monday is the real first day of the week, except in Israel, where you'll be executed in a manner dictated by the results of an online poll.
I'm much more annoyed by the solstices. Every year, my kid asks if it's summer, and if it's past Memorial Day but before June 21st, I have to explain to her that it's not technically summer yet, but that it may as well be because it's fucking crazy hot outside and Iron Man 2 already had its theatrical run. You know what, asshole agrarian calendar makers? No one fucking farms for wheat anymore. We have robots that do that shit. So make Memorial Day the official start of summer that was all know it is (and make Labor Day the official end of it), so I can quit confusing the fuck out of my children.
Aaron:
FUCK THE MOTHERFUCKER WHO INVENTED SPEED BUMPS.
Since I'm officially a grumpy old man with kids, I can't agree with you since there are no good punk teenagers speeding through my neighborhood and endangering my children. I need those speed bumps to slow those little fuckers down. Otherwise, I have to yell at them for driving too fast and God, does that make me feel like my old man. I want to kill myself when I yell at people for driving too fast. I feel like life is over.
Besides, without speed bumps, we'd never have a chance to drive full throttle over those speed bumps. Ever throw caution to the wind and do that? It's a blast. It's as close as I get to being Evel Knievel. I ALMOST GOT AIR THAT TIME! (Though it's only fun if you KNOW the speed bump is coming and decide of your own free will to jump it. Ever see a speed bump too late? Terrifying.) And speed bumps are a blessing to any local kid riding around on a BMX bike. I could bike over a speed bump 700 times back in the day. Wheeee this is bumpy!
Furthermore, not all speed bumps are made alike. Most speed bumps these days are really wide, and have a gradual upslope. But sometimes, you get one of those old school ones, like someone stuck a fucking curb in the center of the road. Those speed bumps are fucking brutal.
Finally today, a GREAT MOMENT IN JUMBOTRON MIXUPS.
Jeremy:
I'm a season ticket holder of the Spokane Shock, an Arena Football League team. I know, save the arena football season ticket holder jokes for after my story.
Well I was at one of the games in April with my brother and decided to head up to the concourse to get myself a tasty beverage. Heading up the stairs, I heard the announcer announce my section over the P.A. I stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked at the jumbotron, and saw myself standing there on camera. So I did the only logical thing I could think of and danced for the camera and all the cheering fans around the stadium.
So I'm dancing, the cheers are getting louder, and I'm loving all this camera attention. Eventually, I start to wonder why the camera is staying on me for so long, so I take a closer look at the jumbotron. Behind me, on his knee, is a dude proposing to his girlfriend. Immediately, I shamefully turn and head quickly up the stairs. Most people didn't even know what was going on until I got out of the way. A couple days after the game, one of my coworkers found this video on Youtube.
Apparently, they had some friends at the game on the other side of the arena taping the whole thing on the jumbotron. I felt like the biggest douchebag, so I had to contact them on Youtube and apologize. They were cool about it, but for some reason I haven't received an invitation to the wedding. Here's the video.
I support any ruined Jumbotron proposal. I really do. Get a room, lovebirds. No one gives a shit.