In this edition of ‘Should That Be a Statue?'

In this edition of ‘Should That Be a Statue?'

Zinedine Zindane’s ‘Coup de Tête’ is back on display in Qatar, and we were wondering if the artist takes requests

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Image: Getty Images

Imagine if your lowest moment was so abysmal that people would want to build a statue to it? No, I’m not talking about the Southern part of the United States, I’m referring to Zinedine Zidane’s headbutt of Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup Final that earned him a red card before France fell to Italy in penalties — and a bronze immortalization in Qatar.

It was one of those, “Wait, what the fuck just happened?” moments that will forever be linked to Zidane no matter how many trophies he wins as a manager. Dubbed, “Coup de Tête,” the bronze statue was unveiled a few years ago, but was taken down not because it’s a weird thing to celebrate, but because religion in the region forbids idolatry.

Now, in the lead up to Middle Eastern country hosting the World Cup, the 5-meter statue is back, and ready to promote dialogue about “stress on athletes… and the importance of mental health,” according to Qatar Museums Chairperson Sheikha al-Mayassa al-Thani.

Common sense says maybe you shouldn’t use an act of violence and a lapse in judgment as a vehicle to promote not losing your shit in the face of a mouthy opponent. It’d be like erecting a fountain of a guy puking Old Milwaukee back up through a beer bong to promote moderation.

So since I have a ton of time on my hands with the World Cup not set to begin until the fall because it turns out that playing soccer on a surface that’s actually lava isn’t safe, I thought perhaps the creators of that statue could sculpt a few other odes to sports’ guiding principles.

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Ball safety — The Butt Fumble

Ball safety — The Butt Fumble

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Screenshot: NFL on NBC

Already etched into the mind of Mark Sanchez, the Patriots should install this masterpiece of buffoonery next to its inevitable replica of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. In addition to running the AFC East and really the AFC for 20 years, why not throw in a little jab about the time Rex Ryan went from coach in an AFC Title game to grumpy ESPN analyst?

The always on-point Cris Collinsworth was all over it on the call, crediting Vince Wilfork for shoving Brandon Moore into Sanchez. Only that’s not what happened or what will be remembered at all. I watched the folly live, it being a Thanksgiving nightcap, and immediately flipped back to the James Bond marathon because, at 21-0, with Mark Sanchez turning a broken play into a scoop and score, rewatching decades-old movies was — and always will be — preferable to watching the Jets.

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Gamesmanship — Draymond catches LeBron in the jewels

Gamesmanship — Draymond catches LeBron in the jewels

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Screenshot: ABC

There’s a certain degree of gamesmanship that’s honorable. Testing the resolve of your opponent through mind games and contact before, during and after the whistle is toughness when you’re winning, and leads to not shaking hands with Michael Jordan after he finally beats you in the playoffs.

Enter habitual line-stepper Draymond Green in the 2016 Finals when he couldn’t just let LeBron James’ provocation go unanswered and gave the King a little love tap on the taint in the same postseason that saw Green maybe but maybe not kick Steven Adams down undah.

It resulted in a one-game suspension for Green and the Warriors dropping a 3-1 series lead, and in the process spoiling the finishing touches on a 73-9 season. It’s hard to understate the ramifications of a seemingly mindless flick of the wrist, but here we are, six seasons and two Kevin Durant titles later with an incredible ripple effect moment.

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Aggressiveness — Mike Tyson bites Evander Holyfield’s ear off

Aggressiveness — Mike Tyson bites Evander Holyfield’s ear off

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Image: Getty Images

A little dated, but I’m told in the arena of clicks, Mike Tyson plays. I’m also surprised it hasn’t been chiseled out of granite by some misguided casino in Vegas. The aggressor always gets the kudos. ”The more physical team wins” and “aggressive fouls are good fouls” are Hubie-isms for a reason. I’m not sure gnawing off another man’s ear was the tone setter that your corner was looking for, though, Mike.

It’s definitely a time-stopping moment that’s worthy of an artist’s rendering. If not a stone depiction, can someone at least paint a watercolor of the Sports Illustrated cover? Has anyone checked Etsy?

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Clutch gene — Bill Buckner

Clutch gene — Bill Buckner

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Screenshot: ESPN

Normally, I wouldn’t go with such an obvious pick but Boston fans’ were on the other side of the butt fumble and they need a reminder that their recent run of success followed a pretty notable stretch of not only losing, but losing in the worst Aaron-Boone-walkoff way possible. And since we’re here to celebrate comically bad plays, letting a ground ball go between your wicketts(?) with the World Series on the line is top notch “Holy fuck, if you carve that you’re going to give Buck flashbacks” type stuff.

Sports fans also have reached a point with Boston-centric teams that they have to reach to the furthest depths of suppressed memories to elicit a pang of misery. Mookie Betts, Mookie Betts, Mookie Betts, Mookie Bettes times infinity.

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Team culture — Coach Erik Spoelstra slams clipboard

Team culture — Coach Erik Spoelstra slams clipboard

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We’re now at the point in this exercise where I’m reaching for material while also taking a victory lap on the Miami Heat’s unmatched yet not currently in the playoffs culture. Pat Riley will beat you in a push-up contest, but he has yet to turn Tyler Herro into a starter.

I appreciate Coach Spo’s passion and coaching ability. Infighting is normal if former players are to be believed, so that dust up with Jimmy Butler is emblematic of Miami’s competitive spirit as a team and an organization. They also seem like the sort who would view a coach and a player arguing on the sidelines as some sort of testament to toughness.

If it wasn’t so expensive and didn’t take so much damn lacquer, I would’ve included a rendering of Jimmy as well — if he doesn’t have a couple laying around his house already.

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