In Which We Drink In The Hilarious Naivete Of Red Sox Nation

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Michael Schur (aka Ken Tremendous) is smarter and funnier than I'll ever be. That's why I was floored yesterday to see him post this on Twitter:

I can't believe that I'm surprised about David Ortiz doing steroids. But I'm surprised that David Ortiz did steroids.

You'd think every baseball fan on Earth right now would be more or less numb to the idea of a player being outed as a roider. Ah, but once again, we find that Red Sox fans believe they and their team poop sunshine and live on some sort of magical, negro-free cloud in the heavens. Oh sure, they expect a team like the FACKIN' YANKEES to have roiders. But not the precious Red Sox! They're different! Special! They'd never violate the bond they have their legendary fans, who have been known to keep entire city grids powered simply with the strength of their hearts!


You listen to me, you fucking retards. You're just another bunch of asshole fans rooting for another asshole team. And the fact that you think you're somehow above all that is what makes you utterly insufferable. I hope it turns out the Jason Varitek took HGH in 2004 and once killed a child in a drunken lawnmowing accident.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating about the self-importance of Red Sox fans (I can't believe I had to hear about this on my Blackberry in the sky!), there's this delightfully insane article in the Globe today about just how DEVASTATED they are by this. Look at that chick in the Globe's photo. She's gonna cry! What a loser. Here's the headline:

For legions of fans, a magic spell is broken

NO! NO! The enchantment has worn off! Quick, find all the juniper berries and hearts of cedar you can find. We shall produce a spell that will bring back our precious innocence!


The news struck like a thunderclap


a bolt that shook fans to the core and bruised their fondest memories.

Oh, no! My precious memories! They've been sullied! Unclean! Unclean! Shouting FACK THE YANKEES will never be as sweet as it once was!


David Ortiz, the legendary Red Sox slugger adored by legions of fans, had reportedly used performance-enhancing drugs, a cruel revelation that left countless fans adrift and disillusioned.

"Now I don't believe in NOTHIN'! I'm going to law school!"

The scourge that has hung over the game for years, sullying many of the game's brightest stars, from Barry Bonds to Roger Clemens, had now claimed one of Boston's own.



He was a hero to a lot of us, and now it feels diluted, somehow,'' said Chris Healy, 48, of Norwich, Vt., pausing as he walked to the park with his two sons. "It just doesn't feel good."


Seriously, man. You're 48 years old. Take a look at this card of Ortiz with the Twins. Do you really think he got that big merely by eating arepas?

Others were disappointed, even crushed, but put up a brave face, saying they always suspected something was amiss. Even if they wouldn't let themselves believe it.


"The kid in you wants you to hope it's not true,'' Kevin Murray, a 35-year-old from Millbury, said between bites of an Italian sausage outside the park. "Even if you knew it all along."

Well, then the kid in you is wicked… you know…

"They just aren't as golden anymore,'' said Meghan Stipkovich, 31, heading to Fenway Park yesterday afternoon with her husband and 1-year-old daughter. "It's disheartening. We put them on such a pedestal, and it's tough to hear. Just very sad.''


You get the idea. All through the article are testimonials from fans who suspected Ortiz was a juicer (because Boston fans are so perceptive, you see), but refused to believe it because they're all innocent little fawns at heart. I promise you the Simmons article on this next week will include this stand-alone paragraph:

"But not Papi. Papi was different."

He's not. He's just another ballplayer trying to get ahead. And Red Sox Nation is just another group of shitheads wearing pink hats. Keep crying those delicious tears, gang.