These are the most obnoxious fan bases in sports (and pop culture)

Thank god the Eagles lost the Super Bowl, or Philly fans would’ve immediately exulted the 2022 Birds as one of the best teams ever. We’re already going to hear about the Philly Special from now until eternity, and I don’t think I can handle another sports renaissance from one of the coastal elites. The Patriots’ reign just ended, America needs a break.

Dookies are quite possibly the worst fan base — regardless of the sport. They’re arrogant and entitled. Their former coach looks like a rat. Don’t get me started on Christian Laettner. There’s even a book, appropriately titled “Duke Sucks” that captures all that’s wrong with the Blue Devils and their supporters.

Any time the College Football Playoff committee has to pick between an SEC school, and a team from another conference with just as many losses — and sometimes even fewer — the argument pivots to, “Let’s see them do that in the SEC.” I don’t give a shit that you value football more than your kid. Just secede from the NCAA already, and declare the winner of the SEC the national champion. You do it already.

There’s a special place in hell for people who worship Nick Saban (ESPN included.) The Crimson Tide had two losses this season, neither of which came in the SEC title game, but there was Saban and his zealots, lobbying for a spot in the CFP simply because they’re Alabama. Take off that Houndstooth fedora, and shut the fuck up.

The real reason Ohio State Buckeye fans are so obnoxious is that their pro teams have largely sucked over the past 20 or so years. I would be impossible to be around, too, if the Reds, Guardians, Cavaliers, Bengals, and Browns kicked me in the teeth during the 350 days that Ohio State doesn’t have a game. Also, and this can’t be overstated: The “O-H-I-O” chants and the THE Ohio State stuff don’t do them any favors.

It’s the entitlement that really does Lakers fans in. The team routinely trades first-round picks because they know free agents are lining up to go to L.A., and are rewarded despite being run like a clown show. The fans start photoshopping stars in purple and gold before the season even goes awry, bitch when quick fixes don’t work, and then pivot to the next guy like a hot person jumping from gorgeous partner to gorgeous partner but is never satisfied.

The King’s legions are vast and they are devout. There’s a meme for every argument, and a constant need to spread the teachings of their savior. I don’t know if LeBron’s ego came first or the fans gave him the ego, but it’s created a scenario in which James can say, “Built different” in the Finals, and his goons think he’s talking about them, as well. You’re not built differently, you’re like every other simpleton who still has a favorite player.

If I was a Cardinals fan (which I am), I would recoil any time my peers self-identify as the best fans in baseball (which I do). Being a knowledgeable baseball nerd is great. It doesn’t, however, have an effect on the outcome of the game. Just because you know the opposing team’s rotation better than their own fans doesn’t make you superior. If anything, it means you have way too much downtime and need a new hobby.

The thing about living close enough to Wrigley Field to pass Gary in his Ryne Sandberg jersey and brand new hat on random summer days is you develop a sense of who’s fugazi. There are so many Cubs fans that like the Cubs for no other reason than it’s what you do when you move to Chicago. Readily adopting the moniker “loveable loser” is worse than declaring yourself one of the best fans in baseball. Uncle Buck was a lovable loser. You’re just a drunken, fat guy in Cubs swag reciting lines from John Hughes movies.

And now a note to all fans of college football teams struggling to get back to relevance: You gotta let it go. I know it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. Nebraska football is my favorite entity in all of sports. If someone wants to argue about all-time teams or a program’s place in the history of the game, chime in. Other than that, if your team is only deserving of mention on the national stage because it’s fallen so far, you don’t deserve coverage. Be a realist and Saturdays won’t suck as bad. That way, asshole national pundits won’t have ammo for a rant about how delusional the fans are before talking about your 5-7 team making another coaching change.

Even if it’s true that the baseball universe orbits around the Bronx, other MLB fans don’t want to hear it. So stop complaining about the weakness in your lineup like the Yankees are the only team who has a need at the trade deadline. And while we’re here, I will not apologize for refusing to slurp up Aaron Judge’s pursuit of 62 home runs. You get a lion’s share of the coverage even when you suck, and the slightest bit of success doubles as heroism, let alone the guy who broke Roger Maris’ mark.

The thing about Jets fans is they think America wants to hear them bitch. (This applies to Knicks’ fans, too, but giving New York fans three slides only serves to validate their egos.) Teams that have been dogshit for a decade or two usually don’t lead debate shows, yet let’s argue about what’s wrong with the Jets and Knicks for the 500 millionth time. And before I yell, “Who asked for this?” I know the answer, and it’s a couple million Jets and Knicks fans.

I didn’t think it was possible to have an inferiority complex while having a superiority complex. On one hand, B1G fans parade the streets of midwest metropolises proudly sporting school colors like they went to some Ivy League school. My guy, you did half a decade at Wisconsin, not MIT. Stop shoving your degree in my face and asking me how impressive it is.

Then on the other hand, the SEC is so deep into their psyche that they’re triggered every time the College Football Playoff rankings are released. The only thing more exhausting than being a B1G fan is being around them.

When I was growing up, my favorite player was Penny Hardaway (pictured).

Then I turned 12 and picked a team like an adult. Rooting for a team builds character, and I very much subscribe to the ethos of Calvin’s dad when it comes to character. What happens when that player retires, or turns out to be a total scumbag, or isn’t good enough to win a title with his own team? I’ll tell you what happens.

When the athlete retires, they latch onto the next superstar, or tell you why he isn’t as good as their favorite player. When the idol is a reprehensible human, they defend him. And if the false prophet isn’t good enough to win in his current situation, they want him to go to one that is.

I’d love to lack the self-awareness that Red Sox fans do. Their title drought was somehow worse than the Cubs because they lost in the most spectacular fashions, but that’s all gone now. Dropping your Rs isn’t cute anymore. It’s annoying, and there’s nothing endearing about Boston sports in 2023. It’s as if they never hated Yankees fans, but rather just wanted a turn being the elitist asshole.

I’m just giving you a heads-up: The Patriots obsession will continue after Bill Belichick retires. The Hoodie and Tom Brady created a nation of monsters, and now the rest of us are forced to treat Mac Jones like something more than he is. Patriots fans gave him a standing ovation just for running on the practice field during preseason training then found themselves pivoting to Bailey Zappe. Now, it’s back to Jones, and we’re left covering the least interesting quarterback competition since Jameis Winston versus Taysom Hill, as if a Pats’ QB is the actual heir apparent to Tom Brady.

There are way too many Dak Prescott conversations for his place in the NFL QB hierarchy. We didn’t reconsider our feelings on Kirk Cousins after he went 13-4, and there’s no need to scream about Prescott after each Cowboys’ collapse. It’s not even fun to ridicule Dallas supporters because Stephen A. Smith made it kitsch. I shouldn’t have an opinion on a franchise that hasn’t been relevant since Desert Storm. But I do because every Monday morning the question is, “How ‘bout them Cowboys?”

Forgive me if I don’t think undershirts, Aaron Rodgers interviews, and schtick are the future of the industry. If he’s allowed to practice a new art of journalism, I should be allowed to opine on it without some angry idiot tracking me down on LinkedIn to tell me how wrong I am about McAfee. Cool, he doesn’t trust the media, and tells it like it is. Wow, there really is no one else like him.

Against my better judgment, I’m going to poke the hives just to say being categorized as a “hive” isn’t a compliment. Swarming detractors like they insulted your mother is not necessary. Music might be the most subjective thing on Earth, so chill. If your identity is that intertwined with pop stars, you need to do some serious reflection on the person you want to be.

No one pisses me off like the NFL ratings guy. It’s the most popular sport in America, but just because it’s the most popular doesn’t make it the best. There was a moment when 50 Cent was outselling everybody, so by that logic, he was the best rapper alive. The public are lemmings, and will gather around a group of people simply because a group of people is gathered. I’m allowed to like other sports more than the NFL just like I’m allowed to despise G Unit.

Hedge fund bros have overrun Chase Center like it’s a VR IPO. So many Silicon Valley tech bros were grasping at Steph Curry that the team had to relocate across the Bay, too wealthy to even attempt gentrification. There’s definitely an analogy that can be made about new tech money and the Warriors’ dynasty, but my brain is fried, and I don’t have the energy.

This fan is similar to the fan that’s overprotective of a band they’ve been into forever. Sorry, if I wasn’t around at the outset, but where does it say in the small print that I have to know all the lyrics to like the music? My bad if I didn’t know homie played Benfica, or what league Benfica is in. I’ll listen to you explain the principles of a formation, but please hold the condescension.

This is a bonus slide because I’m not in tune with club soccer fans enough to rattle off reasons they annoy me sans research, so I asked Deadspin soccer writer Sam Fels, and he also didn’t know but offered this suggestion. I didn’t even know MLS fans existed, but it tracks that they would deride “Euro snobs.” I wonder if that’s how European hoops fans feel when their countrymen geek out over the NBA. That’d be just as nonsensical, and I’m here to make fun of people. That’s what gets the clicks.