Jesus, Have You Looked At The 76ers' Roster?

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Just look at this roster. Look at it.

Who are these people? We spent a lot of time pondering this question in our staff chat room:

Burneko: some of these are clearly not real people

marchman: Yeah, I don't believe these are NBA players

Burneko: they're not fooling anybody with "ronald roberts"

Burneko: that's just one of their other players changing jerseys

marchman: At least ten of these guys are just weed carriers for Embiid, Noel, and Carter-Williams

Samer: ronald roberts probably committed murder on the other side of the country and that's his alias

Samer:snuck onto the 76ers' roster

Tom Ley: i counted 8 guys i'd actually heard of before

barry: they're gonna cut Ronald Roberts mid-year and then sign "Robert Ronalds"

Tom Ley: "Rob Ron"

kyle: ok so off the bat i thought keith bogans retired years ago and started coaching

kyle: so, bad start

Tom Ley: wait yeah i thought bogans was a bench coach somewhere last year

kyle: jakarr i know from st. john's

kyle: he's terrible

marchman: "That's my cousin JaKarr. I mean, he's not my cousin, but we call him my cousin because my mom's sister lived around the corner from his mom and they used to cook out together. Anyway, he works with me."

marchman: "Okay, he's on the team"

Tom Ley: surprised eric snow isn't on this team

kyle: hahaha i thought "Drew Gordon" was them signing sad-ass Drew Gooden

kyle: but nah

Tom Ley: like who is even on the sixers d-league team

kyle: just some dude

Tom Ley: "Phil"

Burneko: nah, that's store-brand Drew Gooden

Burneko: non-union Drew Gooden

marchman: I think Arnett Moultrie is an NPC in the Elder Scrolls

Burneko: "great news, guys! we signed Colby Bryant!"

harvilla: this is like the "you've captured their stunt doubles!" scene from spaceballs

kyle: and i only know Tony Wroten because i read so many "tony wroten might be the worst player in the history of organized sport" articles

Burneko: they couldn't afford Tom Duncan, so they got Drew Gordon instead


Elder Scrolls

Amaund Motierre

Amaund Motierre is a Breton member of the Elder Council. Amaund appears calm and confident when the Dragonborn first approaches him in the Dark Brotherhood quest The Silence Has Been Broken. As the questline progresses he becomes more and more stressed.

Samer: MCW and embiid aren't smiling because they aren't just happy to be there

marchman: Close enough.

Burneko: Amaund Motierre, vaporizing defenders with dark magic around the hoop

Samer: the other guys are in awe to be on a real nba team

Samer: embiid wants to leave

Samer: nerlens is also sad

marchman: Disgruntled-Looking Sixers, Ranked

Burneko: maybe Drew Gordon is an actual invisible person

Burneko: that'd be pretty cool

Samer: nerlens, mcw, and embiid are aware of their tours

marchman: Henry Sims looks like a nurse whose boss just told her they don't put the hazmat suits on until there's a positive Ebola test

Samer: it's like the end of platoon

Burneko: hahahaha

marchman: Jarvis Varnado looks like someone just showed him a fifi and told him that was as good as he was going to get for the next five years

kyle: has jason richardson always been a conehead?

Samer: your sixers 14-15 preview:

Burneko: hollis thompson looks like he's at the midpoint between laughing at the sixers roster and the dawning realization that it's not a prank

Burneko: that's exactly the face he's making

marchman: JaKarr Sampson is carrying so many drugs for Noel and he's worried he's going to have to eat them all

Burneko: like he's about to say, "wait, are you for real?"

kyle: what the fuck, the sixers are too cheap to even let mbah a moute keep the "richard" in his name?

Burneko: "sorry luc, too many letters"

kyle: "sorry luc, gotta shave some character cap space"

Burneko: "there's only so much room on our geocities page for player names, luc"

harvilla: alexey shved won this season of 'hip show' and this was the prize

Burneko: "OK, this is cool, but what's your return policy?"

marchman: Maybe this is an NBA 2K15 marketing scheme. "We know we've gotten a lot of bad publicity with our face-scanning feature, but look how well it works when it works!"

Burneko: also, what the hell is going on with "ronald" "roberts"'s neck?

Burneko: Tom Cruise inside Ronald Roberts hoping they reveal the location of the nukes before his face melts

marchman: "Jerami Grant is studying biology at Temple, but with NBA 2K15, he's right there with real NBA players like Michael Carter-Williams!"

Burneko: TNT gonna use the Twitter egg avatar for these guys in pregame introductions. "it doesn't matter what they look like"

kyle: heinke traded the rest of chris johnson's teeth for a second round pick

Samer: buzzfeed's about to go back to koko and show her this roster

Samer: then take a photo of her face