Jolly St. Perk, fashion faux pas, and more from NBA Draft night

Don’t argue with youngins on the internet, wear a gimmick on a red carpet, or thirst over guys’ moms

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Paolo Banchero (L), Mark Williams (C), and Malaki Branham (R) pose for photos.
Paolo Banchero (L), Mark Williams (C), and Malaki Branham (R) pose for photos.
Image: Getty Images

I had the ESPN broadcast of last night’s NBA Draft on while cooking dinner, and even with my hands occupied by a pot of mac and a large spoon instead of my phone and internet, I knew Kendrick Perkins was going to get broiled over hot Twitter embers.

It started with calling Paolo Banchero a Michael Beasley-Ben Simmons hybrid, which had to be encouraging for Magic fans. So he’s got the game of a No. 1 pick who hasn’t played since a mental breakdown in the playoffs more than a year ago, and a No. 2 selection who splits time between the NBA and China. Congratulations, Orlando!

At one point, Big Perk said Chet Holmgren is like if Giannis Antetokuonmpo and Kristaps Porzingis had a baby, which sounds more like a joke from Pineapple Express than quality draft analysis. If you hear some outlandish shit and don’t even need social media to tell you it’s going poorly, then it’s probably even worse online.

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That last thing you want to do is enga— oh, no Perk, noooooo. Do not reply to that Desmond Bane tweet. Young people were live-streamed into this world.

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Bane referring to Perkins as “black Santa Claus” in an exchange about running up a chimney is why you do not, for any reason, “lip box” with Gen Zers. You getting mad only delights them more.

Jabari may have went third, but his fit came in first

It takes more confidence than I’ll ever have to show up on the biggest day of your career — to this point — wearing a purple suit with silver rhinestone tassels on it. Fashion certainly is subjective, so if the No. 1 pick wants to walk across the stage looking like a moldy grape jolly rancher, let him.

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I love the ESPN Twitter feed evaluation of these prospects that they’re not allowed to post a bad word about. If Banchero’s fit was “ELITE” then what all caps complement will be bestowed upon Chet “You Rang Jr.” Holmgren?

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Yes, the curtains from Dracula’s dining room repurposed into a suit is indeed STYLE. The gold dice chain makes him look like a croupier from Transylvania.

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If you’re going to have a gimmick, at least put it in the lining of the suit like Jabari Smith Jr., who wore the cleanest suit among the Top 3 picks with an Auburn-inspired three-piece featuring pictures of his journey where cameras can’t catch them.

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Notice how he opted for a tie instead of obnoxious jewelry, as well. That man’s wardrobe selection was as pretty as his jumper.

The “Pornhub Comment Section” award for thirstiest tweet made about a player’s mom

There were a couple of women who caught the attention of the internet’s foremost experts on making shit uncomfortable. There’s nothing like Twitter coming alive with bursts of lewdness about a prospect’s mother or girlfriend to remind you where a lot of people’s minds are stuck.

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The mothers of *redacted* and *redacted* were the subject of online cat calls and posts in the aftermath, and as much as I want to scroll through responses to Barfstool tweets for the greasiest pervert, I’d rather dunk my genitalia into a vat of acid and spend my life like Lord Varys.

So, sorry to disappoint those of you sick of the selection on SpankBang and too poor for OnlyFans. You’ll have to open a few more browsers before you unzip your trousers.