Photo: Abbie Parr (Getty)

White Sox first baseman José Abreu hasn’t played in a couple weeks, a result of an ambiguous outpatient “lower abdominal surgery” he reportedly underwent on August 20. Hernioplasty? Appendectomy? A testicle that twisted around and became tangled up in its own [passes out cold]:

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If the words “testicular torsion” don’t already have you seeing stars, here is how Abreu described his ordeal:

“It was one of my testicles turned sideways and was strangled,” he said through a team translator. “The doctor had to perform emergency surgery to save it. I never thought about it, but it was serious. The doctors they did a very good job and everything is good. They saved the testicle. I’m really glad and thankful like I said before for all the people who helped me and who were there for me. I feel very grateful right now.”

The Mayo Clinic says testicular torsion involves twisting of the spermatic cord, which has the effect of reducing blood flow to the affected ball and causing “sudden and often severe pain and swelling,” plus nausea, vomiting, frequent urination, and “a testicle that’s positioned higher than normal or at an unusual angle.” Goddammit.

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