Just Like You, Russell Wilson Is Not Having Sex

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Just as you haven’t known the touch of another person in seemingly forever, a star NFL QB is also going through enforced virginity. But that’s where the similarities end: Russell Wilson is doing so as mandated by Jesus, instead of having it unilaterally forced upon him by the rest of the world.

In an interview with a San Diego pastor, Wilson revealed that he has chosen not to sleep with his girlfriend, a choice you’d give years of your life to even have the opportunity to make.


“[Ciara] was on tour, and I was looking at her in the mirror, and God spoke to me,” Wilson said in an interview with a San Diego pastor.

“He said, ‘I need you to lead her.’

“I told her, ‘What would you do if we took all that “extra stuff” off the table, and just did it Jesus’ way?’” the quarterback continued, clarifying that yes, he was “talking about sex.”


“Talking about sex” is apparently all Wilson will do before marriage, and all you can do period, since you sure as hell aren’t having it.

Wilson is rich and famous and handsome, and Ciara is talented and lovely and successful, and they could each have their choice of partners, unlike you, who are physically and universally unlovable. The coupling they could make together would make whatever shapeless, bleating thrusts you’re capable of look like two hefty bags settling on a curb. But that doesn’t matter because sex is merely an academic point for you to be wondered over on a theoretical level.

Despite not being sex-havers, Wilson and Ciara probably still get to kiss and tell each other nice things, while the thought of just being near you repulses billions upon billions of people.

Wilson admitted that not having sex isn’t easy, which is the single least relatable thing in the world to you. He jokingly asking the audience to “pray for us,” so once you’re done praying to achieve physical or emotional satisfaction with another human being just once more before you wither and die, put some prayers up for Russ and Ciara.