Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the inspired weirdos who populate the Celtics' roster and who, drooling and howling and pounding the floor, gave their team a very big victory last night.

There was Big Baby and his slobber, yes, but there was also 'Sheed doing the death scene from Giselle every time he got whistled for a foul, and there was Nate Robinson working through his raging Napoleon complex and generally sublimating all over the court, and of course there was Kevin Garnett being Kevin Garnett. Garnett's warrior-king act should've gotten old a long time ago — looking at you, Ray Lewis — but for some reason it hasn't, and I think it's because of the sneaking suspicion that Kevin Garnett is perpetually on acid. I once saw the guy psych himself up for a game by repeatedly beating his head against a hoop stanchion for a solid 30 seconds. The Celtics were playing the Knicks. In the preseason.


(Wait, one more story: Garnett's first year with the Celtics, I found myself in their locker room before a January game against the Knicks. Garnett was in his locker, glowering. An ESPN reporter approached him with a question. Garnett shook his head. "C'mon, man. You should know better." Garnett said this very, very quietly and nevertheless froze half the locker room, and then he turned away and wordlessly resumed mindmelding with the Borg Queen.)

Anyway, Boston's crazy people tied up the series last night and gave us all hope that the title will not go to a coldly efficient Lakers team whose edges have been completely rounded off. (Well, not counting Ron Artest and his particle collider of a jump shot, of course. Say Queensbridge!) I think we've all had our fill of this bunch. I'm sick of Derek Fisher's Vaudeville flopping routine. I'm sick of Kobe Bryant's underbite, an expression he clearly stole from an old copy of Michael Jordan's Playground and which he thinks makes him look flinty but actually makes him look like Abe Vigoda. I'm sick of these Lakers, and I think we can all agree that the NBA is a better place when the Larry O'Brien Trophy is in the hands of complete lunatics.

Screengrab via everyone

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