Are you ready for breaking LeBron Watch news that will absolutely BLOW YOUR NUTS OFF UNLESS YOU HAVE ALREADY WISELY FIGURED OUT THAT THINGS WERE ALREADY HEADED THIS WAY? Good, because I have such news. Now listen, I know my track record predicting things is, uh, not exactly sterling here. But tonight I ride through the countryside on horseback, with only an oil lantern and rolled parchment on me, to bring you word:

LeBron is going to the Lakers.

I know you don’t believe me, but I have SOURCES, people. Is my source LeBron? It is not. Is it Maverick Carter? It is not. Is it Adam Silver? POSSIBLY YES, but also actually no. Am I just guessing because LeBron is already in L.A. and because fake Woj accounts are tweeting that LeBron and Magic Johnson are dining together this evening and because LeBron won’t even talk to the Cavs? NO, I SWEAR. In fact, I’m upset my scoop has been potentially diluted by such chicanery. The fact that all of you are gonna wait for Woj or Shams or LeBron’s own website—I think it’s called The Unbroken?—to confirm what I just confirmed in order for you to believe it pisses me off, honestly.

All I’m saying is that on a Credibility Spectrum of 1 to 10, with 1 being my mom and 10 being LeBron himself, I’d put the credibility of this LeBronWatch somewhere near a 6.73. Irritatingly, this doesn’t allow me to drop a true DREWBOMB and disrupt the entire NBA access merchant paradigm, but it’s an open secret at this point that LeBron will be joining the Lakers shortly and I want credit when it happens. If he does NOT go to the Lakers, I want you to unload BUCKETS of shit on me about it from now until the end of time. It’s what I deserve for leading you astray.

But I’m not. LeBron to the Lakers. It is happening, and if it doesn’t happen it’s because Magic fucked it up somehow and he will answer to ME for soiling my precious scoop.