Look at Corey Crawford’s mask and know which side you should join

There are a lot of stunning things about the way hockey is unable to be more than a niche sport. At least stylistically, it is probably the most advanced sport, or could be. The jerseys are the best in sports, should be fashionable, and with the white playing surface, it’s the one that pops off the screen the most in HD or 4k. Throw in the goalie masks that can be another extension of the jerseys, and the league really should be focused on promoting the “look” of the whole thing.

Corey Crawford’s new mask for the New Jersey Devils is certainly no different, especially if you’ve been to a metal show in the ’80s or early ’90s.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Satan had his own Terminator, and then modeled it on the cover of a Slayer album, here you go. Stare into its eyes, and you will know that giving in to your urges, choosing hedonism, is the only correct choice. Let the stooges have their life of restriction, chastity, and denial. Crawford’s mask is beckoning you to the one true path of pleasure. Just a taste is all you need.

You’ll certainly need all of it, if you’re like me, and need a massive amount of indulgence to counterbalance the ennui of seeing Crawford finish out his criminally underrated career in the swamps of Newark. Accept your path, throw on some leather pants and a codpiece, and feel alive, people.