When the Robot War comes, there's a very good chance it will go to penalties. In that case, we will call on humanity's greatest goalscorer. But the machines have picked their champion: RoboKeeper. All hail RoboKeeper.

RoboKeeper was, not surprisingly, given life by the Germans. It uses a pair of cameras to track the ball, and reacts faster than any human could. Leave it to the Japanese, then, to test RoboKeeper against the best we meatbags have to offer: Barcelona striker Lionel Messi.


Messi outright misses the goal or strikes the woodwork on far too many of his early attempts, obviously shaken by the unwavering grin of RoboKeeper's uncanny valley, and a crackling static from its power source that sounds suspiciously like the liquefaction of human children. But when Messi does aim for the net, there's RoboKeeper with the save, laughing at our pathetic "athleticism" and "metabolism" and "senescence" and poorly shielded braincases.

But RoboKeeper and his quisling henchmen failed to take into account humanity's greatest ability. We can learn. Messi catches on to the steelbeast's tricks, and finds a way. Life finds a way. In his final attempt at the 9:45 mark of the video, Messi breaks out some barely perceptible trick—maybe a hitch in his step, maybe the exaggerated swing of his right arm, maybe the combined lifeforce of seven billion souls—and RoboKeeper feints the wrong way. Goal, Messi. Goal, man.