“Overthrown,” by Oh Sees! Here’s August:

This song absolutely slays. How fucking metal is that album cover? If physical media was still viable, this album would fly off the shelves.


It’s so true. I do miss going to Sam Goody and perusing through the heavy metal section, oohing and ahhing at all the demons and busty women slaying dragons, and then being too cheap to buy anything. Then I’d go get a Mrs. Fields cookie instead.

Anyway, this album cover is indeed metal as shit. Anytime you have a Balrog-sized creature looming over a destroyed city, you’re onto something good. The song itself sounds like Judas Priest playing in a trash can… in a good way!


Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

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You probably heard the story of John Allen Chau, an American missionary who foolishly visited remote North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal and was summarily killed by isolated Natives who have had virtually no contact with the outside world. Chau’s contact with the North Sentinelese tribe doomed him, and it may doom the tribe as well if his death attracts gawkers, missionaries, and rescue workers to the island. The obvious lesson here is that we should leave the tribe the fuck alone …….. UNLESS you are Spectator columnist and beard-lectual Brendan O’Neill, who took this away from the entire tragedy:

It is time we civilised the Sentinelese people

I know, right? All my life, I’ve said to myself, “When THE FUCK are we gonna civilize the Sentinelese people? It’s way past time for them to share their lagoons with people like me!”

John Allen Chau behaved immorally and recklessly when he approached North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal last week.


So far, so good. But I sense a twist coming.

It would be better, eco-leftists and other luvvies insist, if we just left the Sentinelese people as they are.


Yeah, that sounds about right. I dunno what a luvvie is, but I guess that makes me a luvvie-lover.

They’re probably happy.

I have no idea if they’re happy or not but that’s not really the issue here, kiddo.

What, living brutish, backward lives?


I think it is crueller to abandon the Sentinelese people to the fate written for them by the terrible quirks of geography and history than it is to try to contact and civilise them.


Again, the whole point is to keep people away from the tribe because germs from the outside world will kill them. Is infecting native peoples with bloodpox a creuller fate than leaving them masters of their own fate? I SAY YES.

Yes, civilise them.

Using an S makes the verb extra civil, or should I say… SIVIL?!

‘Civilise’ is seen as a terribly judgemental word these days. It conjures up images of Victorian colonialists venturing into the ‘heart of darkness’ in Africa and elsewhere and subjugating unwilling peoples to Biblical writ and British rule.


Well yeah, because that’s all true. BUT????!!!!!


Shoot me with an arrow.

…the civilisation instinct needn’t be a forced one. We could find ways to try to encourage the Sentinelese people, and the world’s other lost tribes, to exchange their unforgiving way of life for the more comfortable, knowledgable existences the rest of us enjoy. This may take a very long time, more than a generation perhaps, because it would need to be done patiently, carefully, and with an eye for informing the Sentinelese people of the world beyond their shores, rather than pressuring them or humiliating them in any way. But it is worth trying, surely?


Definitely. We should airdrop copies of the New York Post and bags of Funyuns onto the island. Happiness shall readily ensue. I mean, tell me you don’t love living in civilization! We’ve got everything: corruption, student loan debt, an insane President, raging fires, endless guns, horrifying pollution, you name it! Those “terrible quirks of geography and history” can’t touch us here, nossir! I FEEL SAFE AS CAN BE.

Those laughing at Chau for his missionary folly seem content to leave a very small section of humanity — between 40 and 500 people, according to estimates — living in Stone Age conditions… Through no fault of their own, they, and the rest of the world’s estimated 100 uncontacted tribes, are humankind’s losers.


You might think this column is satire, or least the clumsy right-wing brand of satire that is only conveniently noted as satire once it’s proven to be idiotic. But no, no Brendan here is dead serious about storming the island and seizing all the unobtanium. I know this because I browsed the rest of his archive, featuring takes like:

LA used to be fun – dope has just made it dull

The real reason people voted Leave? They’re fat

The problem with hate crime (HINT: It’s not that they’re hate crimes!)

I love Advent – it’s the gentle waltz to Christmas excess

Students are the new masters – and the result is campus tyranny

Tantrum of the climate alarmists

You get the idea. When this man calls the North Sentinelese losers, he does so without irony. Or a mirror, for that matter.


Cryptkeeper Al Davis Lock Of The Week: Panthers -3.5

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“EEEEEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! Tonight’s lock concerns the Bucs, who I don’t think can… HANG?... with MASSACRE-olina! That DJ HORROR really knows how to CARVE up a defense! He plays great out of the SLAUGHTER! And that young Christian McCaffery certain enjoys running it up the GUT. All the guillo-TEENS just adore him, don’t they kiddies? EEEEEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! It’s like I tell all my best FIENDS: If you wanna win, you have to EXECUTE!”

2018 Cryptkeeper record: 7-4-1

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

If you’d like to be depressed, go look at David Johnson’s game logs from this year. I am deeply worried that the rest of his career will look like that. There’s nothing about Josh Rosen right now that signals a dynamic passing offense is coming to help Johnson out anytime soon. He’s super fucked.


Bad Local Commercial Of The Week! 

Pizza Shuttle! Here’s Dustin:

This is a commercial for drunken Kansas State student favorite Pizza Shuttle. Not sure this one counts because it may have intentionally been made bad (hard to know). I will say that the commercial is somewhat effective because every time it comes on I stop and watch it. I probably have bought pizza as a result of this commercial.


You definitely have. I’ll say this for Pizza Shuttle: they definitely know their target audience. If you’re hungry AND you’re horny, there’s no possible way you can resist these close-ups of pepperoni intermingled with porn backstory content. Pizza Shuttle knows you better than you know yourself! I assume Papa John has harassed Pizza Shuttle on 17 separate occasions.

Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2018 chopping block:

Hue Jackson – FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vance Joseph

Adam Gase*

Dirk Koetter*

Matt Patricia

Jay Gruden

Mike McCarthy*******

Steve Wilks

Doug Marrone

Todd Bowles****

Dan Quinn

Marvin Lewis

Ron Rivera

(*potential midseason firing)

I stuck a bunch of asterisks next to Mike McCarthy’s name but that’s probably wishful thinking. I’ve seen no concrete reports that the Packers are actually considering firing him. Knowing how the Packers move, they could easily keep him around, fire a tight ends coach instead, and then pretend everything is fine. “With new tight ends coach Glarby Boone, we feel like we’ve solidified our coaching staff for years to come.”


Great Moments In Grandpa History

Reader Samuel sends in this story I call SMELL ON EARTH:

In 1997, Grandpa came to my family’s door asking for them to take him to the doctor for his nose. A quick glance at his face let us know this immediately. He had a trail of blood streaming down his face from the outside and top of his nose, and on the top of his nose was a crater about the size of a dime as well as a slice all the way into his nostril.

Turns out that morning, Grandpa had gotten sick of what he thought was an ingrown hair on his nose and decided to open it up. So he grabbed a knife and cut it open. But when he started cutting, nothing came out. There was no cyst or zit like thing that you would typically find with an infected ingrown hair, so he cut a bit deeper and found a weird, as he would describe it, ‘numb shit’ that seemed to make up the huge bump on his nose. He decided that this was a problem, so he proceeded to cut it out. He got about 80% of it out, which is where the crater came from, before he had to stop because it started to hurt too much. That is when he hopped in his car and drove an hour and a half to our house to get a ride to the hospital.

After the initial shock at the hospital, they checked it out and it turns out it was a large cancerous tumor that had appeared. Normally they wind up having to put someone under for removal, but because he had already removed about 80% of it, they were able to give him some local anesthetic and get the rest out right then and there. The next day a plastic surgeon closed his nostril back up and he went home. He died a few years ago at 98 years old of regular causes.



Gametime Snack Of The Week

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Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. Let me tell you something: I haven’t purchased a Little Debbie item since I was a teenager in Minnesota, biking to the drugstore so I could sneak looks at dirty magazines and buy a box of Swiss rolls for a buck. But every time I go to the supermarket now, I pass by the Little Debbie/Tastykake aisle, and it calls to me. These Christmas tree cakes are made entirely of wax, lard, corn syrup, and arsenic, and they are delicious. One day, when I am dying of cancer, I will go to the store and I will buy up the whole fucking snacky cake aisle. It’ll be me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved one and fifty Nutty Bar wrappers. That’s when I’ll be ready to come home to the lord.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

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KLANG! Oh sweet Jesus, here’s Ian with…

…The finest ale Sihanoukville, Cambodia has to offer.

I was fed many of these fines gems on a booze cruise and was told that Klang is the Khmer word for strong. A quick Google search tells me that Klang translates to Klang, but whatever!

Can you argue with a can with an elephant that majestic and the words “Extra strong and smooth” emblazoned across the top?

Honestly, it tastes like tuk tuk fuel. Feed me more!

Yeah, I don’t need any translation for Klang. It’s KLANG! It’ll make you klang real fucking good. I feel like a six-pack of this would compel even the most sensible fellow to commit murder. I MUST KLANG IT!


Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!

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“Tear gas? I feel for those kids, but gas is the BEST thing to get in your eyes, okay? I’ve gotten thumbtacks in my eyes. I got a sprayed in the eyes with gasoline when I tried to steal an apple. And one time, Carny Lou threw a spork right into my pupil when I told him his bearded lady friend did it for me. I’ve gotten a lot of bad stuff in my eyes: pine needles, tiny screws, animal horns, teeth, red paint, flicked cigar ashes, hot milk, BBs, extra large BBs, glass, plastic, Clorox, bottle caps, you name it. One time The Boise Six held me down and RAKED me across the eye with a zipper, okay? It was a dispute about beans but I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m still just fine, apart from very two large black hexagons that are in my field of vision at all times. But eyes are strong. They can bounce back. What is tear gas? That’s gas, that’s just air! You can beat air, trust me. One time a bunch of gypsies forced me to stare into a smokestack on top of an asbestos mine. You talk about bad air.”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans

A Quiet Place, which deserves all the Oscars for being just 90 minutes long. I don’t care that there are plot holes. I don’t care that no one farts. I don’t care that everyone has to walk on sand to be quiet but can run loudly through cornfields if someone else happens to be in danger. I don’t care that they built a soundproof basement for a baby and never once thought to LIVE in that soundproof basement before the baby was born. Why wouldn’t you live there, you fucking dummies? Anyway, whatever. The movie is short and therefore good.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately!”


Enjoy the games, everyone.