Nationals Pitcher Shaves Mustache, Gains Ability To Pitch

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Collin Balester was having trouble. He had a great mustache, but he wasn't pitching well at all. He had beaned Rickie Weeks and Mark Reynolds in the head. He needed to make a radical change. The mustache, unfortunately, would have to go.

Scampering in from the Nationals pen looking less "Young Burt Lancaster, But With A Mustache" and more "Dustin Pedroia-y," Balester scattered three hits, walked one and K'd five over two innings in an 8-4 loss to the Diamondbacks. Unfortunately, Balester's shorning of his hirsute labium superius oris couldn't have come at a worse time for mustachioed Americans.


The American Mustache Institute is currently calling for a protest against a steakhouse in Athens, Georgia after Tyler Dewitt, one of the AMI's members and a waiter at the steakhouse, was told by restaurant management to shave his handlebar 'stache or risk termination. The gall! And after one measly hair in the salad. That could've been anyone's hair and Inoko Steakhouse management knows it.

Mustachioed Americans need positive role models like Collin Balester to help bolster their image after years of the mustache being co-opted by unsavory elements like kitsch and overbearing gym teachers.


When reached for comment, AMI Chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut had this to say,

The American Mustache Institute finds this statistical anomaly both disheartening and disgusting. While Collin is a member of AMI, and continues to support our way of life, we've reminded him to never forget what the Dead Sea Scrolls state in that 'each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.'

We couldn't agree more. Keep on fighting the good fight, AMI.

[Full Disclosure: The author of this post once grew a whispy John Waters-style mustache during his junior year of college. He has never met Tyler Dewitt, Dr. Perlut, or any other members or associates of the AMI.]


Collin Balester No Longer Giving Free Mustache Rides [The Nationals Enquirer]

AMI Calls For Protest Of Inoko Japanese Steakhouse In Athens, Georgia [American Mustache Institute]