Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

NBA Draft Lottery: Dan Gilbert's Son Is A Punk Teenager, Touched By God

Did you see that motherfucking kid? He knew he was getting first pick. Knew it.

This is the third year the shrillest owner in sports, Dan Gilbert, has picked his son Nick, to represent the Cleveland Cavaliers. The story itself is a good one: Nick was born with a rare disease called neurofibromatosis, which is a nerve disorder that causes tumors to randomly grow anywhere on the body. He's battled chemotherapy, and he's lost vision in one eye. When LeBron James left the shores of Lake Erie for South Beach in 2010, Daddy Gilbert promised the Cavaliers would win an NBA Championship before James. That obviously didn't happen, because overnight the Miami Heat got very good, and the Cavaliers got very bad.


But in the NBA, it's OK to be very bad, because that means you have a very good chance at the first pick in next year's NBA draft lottery. In 2011, young Nick's first year representing his organization, the little guy wore a bow tie and jacket and looked exactly like someone whose dad dresses them, and they won the lottery, receiving the first and fourth picks in the 2011 draft. They picked Kyrie Irving, who's already a star in the league, and Tristan Thompson from Texas. Last year, Gilbert represented the Cavs again, dressed exactly like his dad, but their luck faded a bit. Cleveland was awarded the fourth pick, which they used on Dion Waiters. Which brings us to this fucking year.


Young Nicky's not so young anymore, and he's still dressed exactly like his dad in that ugly-ass bow tie, except it's not cute because now his balls have dropped and his voice is cracking all over the place and you can't tell him shit because he's a teenager and barring full-grown, three-legged naked mole rats, teenagers are the worst fucking mammals on this planet. And of course he gets interviewed, because he's small and wealthy and still vaguely adorable.

And he tilts his head to the side, real cocky-like, and he says, "I feel like we're going to make a playoff run next year." And that's cockamamie because even with Irving and Thompson and Waiters, the Cavaliers still suck, and the only thing that would give them a shot at not sucking and making the playoffs is grabbing Nerlens Noel with this 2013 first overall pick that they don't even have yet, and make a late run when Noel's ACL heals up. And obviously they get that shit, because God and maybe David Stern love that kid more than they love you.

The Cavs are probably picking Noel. Here's how the rest of the draft went:

1: Cleveland Cavaliers

2: Orlando Magic

3: Washington Wizards

4: Charlotte Bobcats

5: Phoenix Suns

6: New Orleans Pelicans

7: Sacramento Kings

8: Detroit Pistons

9: Minnesota Timberwolves

10: Portland Trailblazers

11: Philadelphia 76ers

12: Oklahoma City Thunder (from Toronto Raptors in James Harden trade)

13: Dallas Mavericks

14: Utah Jazz

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