NBA Playoffs: A Thursday Night Viewer's Guide

There are still many unanswered questions about the world in which we live, but science has proven two things: Hot chicks rule (see above) and it becomes increasingly difficult to think the closer we get to the weekend. So I'm here to let you know what you should look out for in tonight's NBA playoff games.

Orlando versus Toronto: Game 3 Dwight Howard: Somebody call General Zod, and fast! Superman is averaging 27 PPG and 21 RPG in the playoffs. Those are, like, Wilt Chamberlain numbers. He's also shooting 67 percent from the field and blocking four shots per game. The Raptors have to slow this guy down, or else they'll get a one-way trip to the NBA tar pits. The first quarter: Orlando outscored Toronto by 20 points in the first quarter of Game 1 (43-23) and by 17 in the first quarter of Game 2 (35-18). I hate to sound like Mr. Obvious here, but the Raptors can't afford to keep spotting the Magic double-digit leads. T.J. Ford: In the first two games of this series, Ford has scored a total of 11 points on 2-for-17 shooting. In Game 2, he had only 6 assists and 4 turnovers. How can the Raptors fix this problem: I have a two-word answer for you: Jose Calderon. Three-point shooting: The Magic shot 45 percent (13-for-29) from beyond the arc in Game 1 and won going away. They shot 29 percent (9-for-31) in Game 2 — with Rashard Lewis (0-for-9) and Hedo Turkoglu (0-for-4) laying most of the brickwork — and barely escaped with a one-point win. Orlando relies on the three-ball. They'll need to hit a high percentage of them to win Game 3 on the road. Jason Kapono: He's back! Kapono — left for dead by Raptors fans and Toronto coach Sam Mitchell — is scoring 19 PPG and shooting 67 percent from the field in the playoffs. Nobody saw that coming... Jameer Nelson: In my series preview, I said that guard play was Orlando's biggest weakness. Enter Jameer Nelson. He's hand-feeding me my own words by scoring a total of 42 points and shooting 13-for-23 from the field in the first two games. Rasho Nesterovic: This guy's been on fire for the last month and a half — just check out his game log — and he had 16 points and 8 rebounds in Game 1. Yet in Game 2, he played only five minutes, scoring 2 points (1-for-1) and doing nothing else except committing a foul. And rumor has it that Rasho could be benched for Game 3 in favor of Jason Kapono. And people wonder why Raptors fans don't trust Sam Mitchell. Cleveland versus Washington: Game 3 LeBron and DeShawn: Stevenson has the bigger mouth, but King James has the bigger game. So far in these playoffs, LeBron is averaging 31 PPG on 55 percent shooting to go along with 7.5 RPG and 8.0 APG. Meanwhile, DeShawn has scored a total of 15 points on 5-for-16 shooting. It's safe to say that Stevenson probably spent his day off looking for Doc Brown and his time-travelling Delorean...because he'd really like to go back in time and retract that whole "overrated" comment. Fun fact: 1.21 Gigawatts!! Gilbert Arenas: Gil came back from knee surgery — and it's pretty clear he's not fully recovered from it — only to sprain his right wrist in time for the playoffs. Greeeeat. If his Game 2 performance is any indication (7 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 3 turnovers), then Agent Zero might be just plain zero for the rest of the series. Wally Szczerbiak: He must be drinking the same rejuvenation serum that Jason Kapono's using, because Wally World is back. Well, he was in Game 2, anyway (15 points, 6-for-9 shooting). They might be able to overcome the Wizards without him, but the Cavaliers really need Szczerbiak's stretch-the-floor shooting if they're going to make a run in the second round. Hack-A-Bron: The Wizards spent the first two games beating up on LeBron — or trying to, anyway — and those games were in Cleveland. Somehow I don't think they're going to put on the kid gloves now that they're playing at home. The Cavaliers medical staff better stock up on Arnica...King James is gonna need it. Brendan Haywood: He's really been channeling his inner Bill Laimbeer in this series. In Game 1, he knocked LeBron to the floor and then stood over him menacingly (or at least as menacingly as Haywood can stand). In Game 2, he flagrantly fouled Bron-Bron while he was attempting a dunk, sending the King flying out of bounds. It's like the Bad Boy Pistons all over again. What's next? A hip-check? A shoulder-tackle? A clothesline? Maybe a Jake the Snake-style DDT? The possibilities are endless! Bench play: Neither team's bench has done much. Who's going to step up and make an impact? Boobie Gibson? Rober Mason? Anderson Varejao? Oleksiy Pecherov, maybe? Nobody? I'll go ahead and choose that last one. Houston versus Utah: Game 3 Home cookin': You've probably already read and/or heard this a zillion times. Let's make it one zillion and one: The Jazz are an NBA-best 37-4 at home. After two close wins on the road, I think the Jazz are going to blow the doors off of this one. Sorry, Rockets. Tracy McGrady: He can be Michael Jordan through three quarters but transforms into Pete Myers in the fourth. (And I mean the basketball player, not the Love Guru.) Which is just one of the many reasons why T-Mac will never, ever know what it feels like to compete in a second-round playoff series. Deron Williams: If you look up "impose your will" on Urban Dictionary, you'll see a picture of Williams playing against the Houston Rockets. At least, you will if they approve my submission. Anyway, Deron is having his way with the Rockets: 21 PPG, 56 percent shooting, 67 percent from beyond the arc, 7.5 assists. And those numbers don't show how much control he's had over the first two games. Rafer Alston: I can't believe I'm saying this — and I'm not sure these words were ever meant to be strung together in any language — but the Rockets cannot win, or even compete in this series without Mr. Skip To My Lou. He's the only player on Houston other than McGrady who can get his own shot and create offense for other players. He's supposed to be back for Game 3...but it might already be too late. And even if he is back, will that strained hamstring hold him back? Andre Kirilenko and Matt Harpring: Their offense is a boost, but their real contribution to this series has been their defense on Tracy McGrady. Kirilenko uses his length to bother T-Mac's shot, and Harpring likes to get physical with the Rockets' star. In point of fact, McGrady turned "Banging with Matt Harpring" into a household phrase after Game 2. (Okay, not really, but I like to imagine that it's become a household phrase.) I'm guessing we'll see more of the same in Game 3. Rebounding: The Jazz haven't had a clear-cut advantage on the board so far in this series — they're up by five over two games — but the numbers are a little deceiving. Utah has been getting to key offensive rebounds, and they really hit the boards at home. If the Rockets don't protect their defensive glass, this game won't even be a contest. Rookies: Come game time, Rick Adelman is going to be looking down his bench at a lot of inexperience - Aaron Brooks, Carl Landry and Mike Harris - and praying that one of them, any of them, can do something to help out.