Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

NCAA Cancellations Have Frenzied, Brainless GOP Acting Even Dumber Than Usual

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) is just one of the many Republicans losing his goddamn mind over the cancellation of college football.
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) is just one of the many Republicans losing his goddamn mind over the cancellation of college football.
Image: (Getty Images)

College football’s season is hanging by a thread, as some conferences have postponed their seasons for the fall, and the Power 5 leaning in that direction. Knowing that the interruption of football will drive home to their constituents just how shambolic their handling of the coronavirus pandemic has been (you would think 163,000 deaths and counting would do this, but that’s another story), Republican politicians are freaking out about this.

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For Sen. Ben Sasse of Nebraska, this means writing a dopey, fact-bending letter to Big Ten university presidents. For the President of the United States, it means banging five of his last remaining brain cells together to compose a tweet saying “Play College Football!”

And then there’s an entire segment of GOP dweebs who don’t just want college football this fall, they see it as absolutely essential.

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Like the Vice President, dollar store Mike Shanahan-looking Mike Pence. Or retweet-begging nitwit Rep. Chuck Fleischmann. Or sweaty, abuse-enabling, $6 haircut Rep. Jim Jordan.

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No, you absolute nitwits, nobody needs college football. We want college football, sure, but there is a big difference between needing and wanting something. As a helpful video from ASB Bank in New Zealand says, “A very important … skill to learn is the difference between needs and wants. But for children, that can be tricky.”

“Put simply,” the video continues, “a need is something you must have to survive, like food, water, and a home.”

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Or a useful virus testing and contact tracing program. Or unemployment benefits. Or support for public transit systems that are at risk of crumbling without funding.

“A want is something that’s nice to have, but you can actually live without,” the video says. “Like an ice cream, or a new skateboard.”

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As these Republican leaders can’t differentiate between needs and wants, it also seems they can’t identify who it is that would benefit from having whatever the object of their desire is. America? No. Them? Yes.

So, what do they think we need?

Pence says America needs “FOUR MORE YEARS of President” Trump, “more principled, Conservatives (sic) judges on our Courts,” “Bill Hagerty in the Senate,” “to open up schools again,” and “the best and brightest to join” … the Space Force.

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Pence wants all of those things. America needs none of them.

Fleischmann believes there is a need to “get those 80 million dollars back from Planned Parenthood,” a cavalcade of border security measures including a wall, and to “cut burdensome regulations and avoid tactics from the left to distract from the milestones we have achieved.”

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The representative provided no list of milestones, though he also feels “we need a fairer, flatter, simpler tax code,” which is an oxymoron that anyone can suss out within minutes of research. It’s such a blatantly unfair approach that in 1996, Newt Gingrich — yes, Newt Gingrich — called the flat tax “nonsense” and proclaimed it would “never happen.”

Meanwhile, Jordan’s list of needs includes “indictments” of the “Obama-Biden-Comey Cabal,” “serious reforms to the FISA process,” and, like his dimwitted colleague Fleischmann, a wall at the Mexican border, and “actions (that) are proactive and decisive … to keep Americans safe and healthy.”

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Wait, that last one is a need. Jordan tweeted that on March 11, quoting Donald Trump, who said, “smart action today will prevent the spread of the virus tomorrow.” Hours later, the NBA played what would be its final games for nearly five months. And because Trump, Pence, and all the rest failed to provide “smart action today,” we did not “prevent the spread of the virus tomorrow,” and now 163,000 people are dead.

Even when these dingbats manage to appropriately identify a need instead of a want, they can’t get their act together to make it happen. If they had, maybe we could’ve had the college football that America so desperately “needs.”

Sorry to all the other Jesse Spectors for ruining your Google results.

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