Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Your live blogger for this game will be Jess Faneuf, who once guest wrote on NY Times' Fifth Down blog.

Hooray for basketball

Before I was given the assignment that is this Missouri vs. Cornell game I had little knowledge of either team. I knew Missouri won the Big12 tournament and I knew Cornell would lose to Missouri. After my 15 minutes of research this is what I learned.


- Cornell has a 7 foot white guy. Does every champion of a crappy conference have one of these? I can't wait for him to get three fouls in 9 minutes of play.

- They say Missouri likes to press. They must be athletic.

- Cornell's biggest win was a 10-point loss to Syracuse. Go BIG RED!

- The game will be played in Boise, Idaho. I recently saw a commercial with exercise queen Denise Austin where she was hawking Idaho potatoes. It seems as if it was just yesterday I was wasting my early teenage summers on the couch each morning masturbating to her ESPN workout show. Now she is selling potatoes. Fuck.


I'm sure I'll be pulling for Cornell during this game. With no real rooting interest, why not root for the awkward, unathletic kids? Or as my friend's fiancée explains, watching sports is like watching the nature channel and always rooting for the little koala bear against the big koala bear. Well the little koala is soooooo cuuutuuuute!

Now we begin streaming this game from CBS Sports. Missouri vs. Cornell is not national broadcast material.


5:20: Game, set, and match. Missouri 78 - Cornell 59. An exciting Missouri - Marquette match-up. Can Marquette break the "press" with their 3 healthy players? Will the Junkyard Dog defeat Tito Santana for the Intercontinental Championship? Tune in on Sunday.

Thanks for reading. It's been somewhat of a lower tier honor.


5:17: Please, no more fouls. This minute is taking forever. 76-59 with 44.9 seconds to play.


5:14: "When you get tired you don't get shorter." The lady friend would disagree with that. 73-59 Tigers with 1:09 to play.

5:09: Put this game on ice. Junkyard Dog with a steal, layup by Lyons. The half-empty stadium is now 4/5th empty. 71-55 Mizzou with 2 minutes to play.


5:08: Whitman was "right in his coach's lap" when he hit his last three. What goes on in Ithaca?

5;05: Hard foul on Tyler (Bear) by Taylor (Tiger). That was fun to type. 65-52 Tigers. The excitement is palpable.


5:03: Gillette sculpting paste. Look like a Eastern European male porn star with just one glob.

5:02: Time out on the court. 3:54 left to play. 14 point Missouri lead. That translates to "chaos on the floor". I would expect at least a fire for chaos.


5:00: 6'9", 240, repetitive jumper? Hey, that's my EHarmony tag line.

4:56: We are in a sad place in this world where "Sticktoitivness" is allowed to be said by anyone that has above a 3rd grade education. 60-48 Missouri with 6:10 to play.


4:54: The Cornell "Big Red" Bear mascot looks like it was built at the Teddy Bear Factory. Gayest bear ever.

4:51: 8:14 left to play, a 12 point game. Cornell pretending they care.

4:49: Hey look, the 7-ft white guy, Jeff Foote, just missed a dunk. Oh you adorable, tall, awkward white guy you. 14 point game, inside of 9.


4:48: For those that care, Missouri is up by 15 with 9 and change to play.

4:47: Whitman drops the big elbow on his defender. Right to the chin. Your supposed to do that to the Junkyard Dog.


4:46: "I love his stroke" says Wenzel. Sure you do, sure you do.

4:43: 16 point lead for Missouri. 11:29 to play. I think someone's covering...

4:41: "If Missouri had a burner they turned it up to high." Can I just listen to Leo Lyons rap instead of these announcers?


4:39: What, Pitt & ETSU is tied?

4:37: "The Junkyard Dog" has just passed 1000 points for his career in Missouri. He must be a special player. And headbutt people. Still a 12 point game with 12:46 to play.


4:34: Kim English hits a 3. Follow that by a Cornell bucket in the paint. 10 point game.

4:32: "Down the barrel she goes"? What? Three by Cornell. Pretending to make a game of it. 42-34.


4:28: Missouri up by 11. Another commercial. Oh SNAP! A USC & UCLA girl in the same elevator. A Syracuse guy and a Georgetown guy sharing wings. Must have both the NCAA and NIT package at that bar.

4:26: Oh, the announcers are explaining "denial" defense. Thanks. Now my grandmother knows . Where's Slider to explain the curveball?


4:22: At Taco Bell Arena does everyone get a free taco if there is a steal? Cornell seems to have given up. 40-31 Missouri. Fucking UPS guy.

4:21: I'm just saying that this whole Missouri press isn't all that impressive. At least they can shoot this half. 36-31 Missouri - 17:50 on the clock.


4:19: Hey look, basketball's back. Lyons with a drive and the hoop to start the half. 31-25 Mizzou.

4:17: Hey look, a strange yellow train frozen in time. Thanks CBS!

4:14: Sussman, am I allowed to take a shit?

4:12: I don't know who this AT&T Halftime analyst is, but he looks like some sort of Shannon Sharpe/Sam Cassel combo platter.


4:08: What the fuck is this Gillette commercial? Sega Dreamcast graphics for Tiger & Federer and then real life Jeter fight over razors? Who fights over razors? Are they in Zimbabwe?

4:04: Her?, did you just say that Leo Lyons opened for Bone Thugs & Harmony? I'm with FTrain on this - how do they get opening acts? What state fair was this? Where's my East 1999 Eternal cassette tape?


4:02: From a basement rec-room in Teaneck, NJ - it's your March Madness on Demand AT&T At the Half show.

4:00: Charles Schwab, or is it Chuck? Chuck, who is bailing the strange cartoon character people out? Their economy is in shambles.


3:57: The "first cousin" of Chris Paul doesn't seem to shoot, pass, play like his relative at all. He does have #3 on his jersey, though. Big dunk by Missouri. Cornell runs down the court and makes a last second 2 to end the half. 29-25 Missouri at the half.

3:55: Lyons with the bucket and the foul. Hits free throw. 27-23 Tigers. Leo Lyons writes his own music and "I wouldn't be surprised if he finds his own record label really soon."


3:52: Leo Lyons with a big ally-oop. Look at that. Exciting basketball. 24-23 Missouri. Another UPS commercial in 3,2,1.

3:49: We are under 4 minutes. Cornell with the ball and the lead 23-22. Missouri can't hit anything at all. Nothing.


3:46: Cornell takes a 23-22 lead, annoucing to the world, "It's pronounced Cor-nell! It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!"

3:44: After a 3 by Cornell, two buckets by Missouri, followed by Cornell breaking the press and hitting a layup. 22-21 Missouri.


3:42: It seems that this Whitman kid on Cornell is the son of Randy Whitman of Syracuse fame (I think). I wonder if they'll mention this again?

3:40: 18-16 Cornell with 7:20 left in the 1st.

3:38: Cornell with 2 threes in a row. White guys who shoot? WHa? 16-15 Cornell.

3:37: This game is gross so far. Tiller hits two free throws. 15-10. Here comes the press.


3:33: According to the announcers Missouri "will not panic in the tournament" because "they have been here before". Thank GOD. I was all worried about the nervous, inexperienced #3 seed from a major conference. 13-10 Tiger 9:45 left in the 1st.

3:32: Oh, Wolverine commercial. Shit is blowing up. WOW!

3:30: 11:31 left in the first. 13-8 Mizzou. Commercial. Announcers seemed to be consistently impressed with the Tigers' depth. That's uncomfortable.


3:28: Kim English "tickles the twine" for a three. Fuck, 8 minutes into the game and we are going to "tickles the twine"? Long day for the announcers. Another Missouri Bucket. 13-8 Mizzou.

3:26: Tiller called for a questionable charge. Cornell is running the Hootie and the Blowfish lineup with the 4 white guys and the black dude. Still 8's


3:25: Tied at 8's. Have yet to smell the sweat. But the golden tie could be worth a lot of gas money from "Gold For Cash".

3:23: Cornell cheerleaders look smart.

3:21: I just learned that "Missouri had the fewest turnovers in the history of their program this year." This will win my pub trivia next Monday. 6-6. Commercial break.


3:19: Like the back of a Volkswagon, the Missouri press is "uncomfortable". 6-4 Cornell.

3:16: Carroll plays "many positions", is called "Junkyard Dog" because he is relentless, and has "long hair and good grades". Also scores first bucket for Missouri. 5-2


3:15: 5-0 Cornell. Whitman with a 3. Where's the press?

3:14: We have announcers and everything! Tall white guy for Cornell wins tip.

3:10: It seems that people in Boise have something better to do than go to a Missouri/Cornell game. I cannot possibly imagine what that is.


3:06: "Your game has not started yet please stay tuned." Can't I even get a Coke Zero commercial?

3:01: What, no game?

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