This is entirely on me. As championship parades go, this one was well-organized, and everyone was extremely happy and friendly. They even handed out free placards, which was way cool except that I don’t like carrying things. I could see today being an absolute blast if you were seven feet tall and drunk and didn’t have to look after very small, needy people. I know it would have been cool because I was downtown when the Caps clinched and that was a blast. I was also alone. This was not a coincidence. And I bet it would have been deeply AWESOME to go with my bros, just bro-ing it up like fucking champs!


But that’s not what I did. Instead, I succumbed to the delusional, insurance-commercial vision of a father and his boys sharing a priceless, unforgettable moment of championship glory together. After all, who knows when I would get to drag my half-willing children into a sea of people with no toilets within eyeshot ever again? PRECIOUS. I am a moron and I should have known better. They could have gone to school today and I could have watched this shit on TV and had a taco. Instead, I played myself like a chump. Never take your kid to a parade. It’s so obvious. Christ.

Oh, and congrats to the Capitals.