Newest Trend: Talk Show Cue Card Holders Moonlighing As College Basketball Coaches

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Philip Rivers won the Smug-Prick-Off between the Chargers and Broncos.

• NBA Roundup! The Celtics played like a capital-T team; the Miami Flyin' Schadenfreudes have lost six games; Kevin Love continued his assault on prospective rebounders and Darko Milicic finally validated Chad Ford's love but the Thunder beat the Wolves; the Suns topped the Rockets in one of those Western Conference games that have really fun box scores; you'd think Tony Parker wasn't going through a tumultuous time given his performance in helping the Spurs win their 11th straight over the no-longer-Eastern-Conference-leading Magic; Blake Griffin is Der Übermensch; Jazz and Nuggets.

• Get your fill of totally amazing NBA action while you can, people, Billy Hunter's sky is falling concerning a summer work stoppage.

• In light of Udonis Haslem's injury, Erick Dampier has decided to follow suit and take his infinitely declining talents to South Beach.

• Joey Votto is your NL MVP even though Luis Gonzalez had 20 more homeruns nine years ago.

• The Maui Invitational kicked off yesterday, and it was a doozy: Kemba Walker went off to carry UCONN to victory against the Wichita St. Shockers; Oklahoma, and America, met Terrence Jones, the newest cog in the John Calipari Star Making Machine; Michigan State somehow managed to defeat the mighty Chaminade Silverswords thus making Michigan State better than the 1982 Virginia Cavaliers; speaking of UVA: U-Dub treated them like a layup line.

• In another, albeit more much ridiculously named, tournament, Duke bested Marquette thanks in large part to Mason Plumlee not playing like your ordinary Insufferable White Guy On Duke and Kansas State beat up on a bunch of well-mannered Catholics.

• Since hockey is a thing: the Devils somehow didn't; Steven Stamkos continued his assault on what we constitute as filthy; good for the Rangers, really; a group of Philadelphians sneaked up on some Canadiens and did horrible things to them; and the rest: Leafs, BJs, Sens, and Tuxedo-Wearing Flightless Birds.

• Ten-nis?

• Some former reality TV star did something else on reality TV.

New coaching fad photography courtesy Alex.

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Good morning. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but: