Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

NHL Unleashes Another Tentacled Beast (Corey Perry is Less Lonely Now)

Illustration for article titled NHL Unleashes Another Tentacled Beast (Corey Perry is Less Lonely Now)
Image: Seattle Kraken

It wasn’t the unveiling of the Iceland badge. What could be? And they aren’t the Metropolitans (finally giving us the potential of a functional “Mets” franchise). But Seattle’s NHL expansion team unveiled their name and jerseys this morning, and they’re both kind of great. They are the Kraken. Or it is the Kraken. We’re still checking on that. Also, these are their jerseys, and even if you find the name on the silly side, these things whip a horse’s ass with a belt, if I may quote the legendary orator Wesley Willis.

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There’s so much to like about these:

  1. The two-tone seafoam stripes, mimicking the rise of the beast out of the sea. That’s hardcore. That’s metal.
  2. The foreboding red eye stealthily embedded in the “S.” You can already see this being a major part of their arena graphics package, with a pulsating red light (which may give off the whiff of a red-light district in various European cities, but whatever). Also, the eye will probably be the basis for any future third jersey.
  3. This gives Seattle a Pittsburgh-type scenario where every team has a similar color-scheme. Given Seattle’s fierce individualism or parochialism (even though it’s basically San Francisco with rain, which must be why they hate each other so much). All of the Kraken, Seahawks, Sounders, and Mariners have a maritime green in some form in their jerseys. That has its charm, and Seattleites are less likely to fill a hotel or AirBnB in your town, equipped with a Seahawks jersey for every day of the week, like Steelers fans do.
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The expansion franchise also avoided some hockey jersey fouls. The shoulder logos are different from the front logo, which is important (it just is, shut up). And they didn’t spell anything out with the main logo. It’s a baseball-type icon, where the letter is morphed into the nickname, but we’ll take it. It doesn’t say “Kraken.” The jerseys are good enough to help soften the blow when your favorite unheralded player on the team you’re a fan of is stupidly spirited away in the expansion draft, and then puts up 25 goals, like you always knew he would if only your moron fucking coach or shithead GM had valued him the same way you did.

And let’s face it, a gross beast with slithering, vile tentacles is basically hockey in general. So this is the perfect addition. And the perfect metaphor.

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill, man?

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