No, Joe Buck Won’t Do Play-By-Play Of You Having Sex

We’ve all been delighted by play-by-play announcers filling their time by announcing mundane, everyday activities. Like here. Or Josh Lewin here. Or here. Even Joe Buck volunteered to try and give us all a smile with submissions from the masses. Like anything that involves submissions from the masses, this went sideways. Meaning people were sending Buck videos of themselves sideways. And horizontal. Possibly other ways, too.

“I’ve had a couple of submissions from let’s say, a man and a woman, that just didn’t seem appropriate to put my voice to in this stage of my life,” Buck told St. Louis-based radio station KMOX. “Maybe later in life, but not now. I look at these videos very carefully and pick the ones that seem the most wholesome to put my voice to.”

One must wonder about the psyche of a person, or couple, who wishes to have Buck narrate sexy time. Perhaps it’s been a fantasy of many St. Louis Cardinals fans. Ha, ha, just kidding. Cardinals fans don’t have sex. They just divide and multiply.

Buck’s minimalist delivery does seem perfect for this sort of thing, punctuating only the moments that matter and leaving the rest to tell their own story. Still, it’ll bring a different connotation to Buck’s, “Going for it all!” Troy Aikman’s sleepy and disconnected delivery would mimic most of the sex going on out there. Yankees radio man John Sterling’s, “It is high! It is far!” home-run calls might be appropriate for some.

Unless, of course, you’re more attuned to the Arlo White school, where everything must be described. You’d better carefully consider every angle on that one before submitting. You can’t be sure what White’s, “Oh, my word!” would be applied to or whether it would be positively or negatively.

If you’re going to send your sex tape out to a broadcaster though, clearly the choice is NBC’s Mike Emerick and his massive vocabulary. What could “pitchforking” and “skittering” be applied to?

The mind races.

Sadly, the rest of hockey analysis — filled with grit and sandpaper — causes the mind to curdle.