No More Bulldog Mascots

Rude opinion: there are too many bulldog mascots.

It’s true. I know that everyone (myself included) loves bulldogs because they are fat and wrinkly and make funny snorting noises when they breathe, and that a school unveiling a new bulldog mascot is a universal cause for celebration. But also, there are too many bulldog mascots.

By my rough count, there are 18 Division I schools that boast live bulldog mascots. Why should bulldogs have the market cornered when there are so many other good doggies out there who would make wonderful mascots? For example, the New York Mets used to have a mascot named Homer the Beagle who would hold lil’ signs in his mouth:

Good pup! I must also commend the University of Tennessee, which employs a Blue Tick Coonhound named Smokey as the school’s official mascot.

When’s the last time you saw a bulldog howl like that? Probably never!

But seriously, folks, there are so many good dogs out there that aren’t bulldogs. Like, why aren’t there any Vizsla mascots? Have you ever seen a Vizlsa? They are great! Imagine this handsome buddy representing your team on the sidelines:

A good Vizlsa named Rowdy kissing his owner at a dog show. Photo via Getty.

How is it that there are no schools out there willing to make a German Wirehaired Pointer a mascot????

A good doggie. Photo via AP.

I’m starting to think that maybe the colleges of America just don’t get dogs, you know?

Finally, and I really didn’t want to bring this up, but I think it needs to be said: Bulldogs are a lot more trouble than they are worth. Want to know where they get all of that adorable fat and those cute wheezing noises from? Genetic defects brought on by centuries of inbreeding! They are not healthy dogs, and only live an average of eight to 10 years. Did you know that almost every bulldog puppy has to be birthed via c-section because their goddamn giant heads are too big to pass through the birth canal? What the hell is up with that?!

Also, the reason that school’s are always unveiling new bulldog mascots so often is because basically anything can kill a bulldog. Fresno State’s mascot died after getting stung by a bee. One of the Butler bulldogs recently died of Cushing’s Disease. The University of Georgia lost a bulldog mascot when, at the age of four, the little guy just up and died of heart failure. A bulldog’s respiratory system is so messed up that it is unsafe for it to be in hot weather because it can’t properly pant. Basically, if you leave your bulldog in the sun, it might die.

Let’s get some new dog mascots up in here. Who’s with me?

Top photo via