Let’s start with the obvious, which is that (gun to head) the Patriots are the greatest dynasty in NFL history. Bill Belichick is the greatest coach in history. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in history, with last night being the definitive instance of him performing football miracles with little more than weeds and garbage at the skill spots. Truly, NO ONE DENIES THIS. You will never see a run like this in pro football—with any other player, coach, or team—ever again.
If you’re a Pats fan, you now have everything you ever wanted, your own claim to every possible bar argument. You have your precious revenge against Roger Goodell, even though he remains firmly in power and could give a shit about your supposed vindication either way. You even got a fucking Tyree catch to call your own, so you can stop bitching about the original (not that you ever will). You should enjoy all of this, because Lord knows no one else did.
Okay, I’ve said enough nice stuff about the Patriots. Blech. Time to state a few more obvious things, FUCK YOU being foremost among them. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU WITH A FULLY INFLATED FOOTBALL. Eat shit. Die.
Literally no one is happy for you, Patriots fans. Everything good about sports is wasted on you. Any enjoyment to be had as a neutral observer of last night’s game—objectively, it really was one of the greatest Super Bowls ever, if not THE greatest—is soured by the fact that you bloated bags of shit are, through sheer cosmic luck, the beneficiaries of the Patriots’ greatness.
I’m sure you already know this, and are dealing with haters by retreating even further into the miserable, defensive arrogance you perfected long ago. That little THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY FACKIN’ AIN’T US routine has always been a hilariously transparent cover for your eternal need to be adored. It’s actually the one thing that does make you unique among sports fans. You’re no tougher or more loyal than other sports fans, even though you constantly pretend otherwise, but you are historically needy and insufferable, so I’ll give you that.
You are scum.
You are the sorest winners God ever created, and last night will make you even worse. It’s a lock. This will only make you louder and dumber. You are the franchise of Marky Mark (he left early… NAWT A TRUE FAN), Dana White, and Donald Trump. You are proof that karma is a great lie; that the universe is randomly ordered and sometimes great things happen to truly awful people. Once the Patriots pulled to within eight, it was obvious (except to me, because I was drunk and thought the Falcons would be smart enough to run the ball) that the Patriots would come all the way back and then win, because God is sickening in his cruelty. It was like watching a puppy get its skull crushed.
Every sports fan likes to see greatness unfold in real time, but the Patriots’ greatness will always be overshadowed—TAINTED—by the permanent villainy of their supporters, and their ongoing quest to pollute the rest of the world with their Boston-ness. The good Pats fans (and a few of them do exist) have long kept a low profile so that they don’t get lumped in with the rest of you obnoxious meatheads. Now those poor souls are gonna have to burrow into the fucking ground, because they understand that every Pats title brings equal parts joy and unrelenting, Catholic SHAME … the shame that comes from knowing you are cheering alongside Tommy From Quinzee and company for the rich to get richer. You are cheering for a sociopathic coach and his fancy dog of a QB to win games for a black cloud of a town populated by moody, ungrateful assholes.
So enjoy your fifth championship, you shitty-ass bandwagon Pats fans. Hell, you posers may even get to watch Brady and Belichick win a couple more titles before this is all said and done. Savor the victories, because they’re all you have. And they’ll never change the fact that everyone fucking hates you and will never respect you, because you are puke fucks.