None Can Defeat The Mighty Wizards

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The brave Milwaukee Bucks tried their best. After falling behind the invincible Washington Wizards by 21 points in the first quarter of last night’s game, the deer men scraped and clawed nearly all the way back, drawing the deficit down to a single point five times in the fourth quarter. Alas, each time they bounced off the flanks of the truly unbeatable Wizards like spitballs off the side of a colossus. For the Wizards stride amidst the NBA like gods among insects. None can defeat them!

Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee’s most valiant hero, made some cool plays, posting a truly outstanding box score line of 23 points, 13 rebounds, eight assists, six blocks, and three steals:

But for naught! Who the hell did he think he was kidding! What good are your profane “stats” against the looming implacable terror that is The Wizards? Hector stuffed the stat sheet in the Trojan War, and all it got him was the spear-point of mighty Achilles, for whom as far as I can remember everything turned out great!


YouTube doesn’t have any good video reels of the extremely handsome and special Bradley Beal (21 points, eight assists, the clutch three that finally snapped the Bucks’ collective spine like a dry spaghetti noodle) and Otto Porter (17 points, three steals, more elbows on each arm than any hundred mortal men) doing cool shit, presumably because the vulgar technologies of humankind are not fit to record their glory, much less to display it. I don’t give a damn! “Highlights” are for losers!

It was the second straight win over a playoff contender for the Wizards, who balled up the puny Philadelphia 76ers and punted them into a swift river two nights prior and are immune to comeuppance now. The loss of John Wall to knee surgery has galvanized them and unlocked their heretofore hidden inner Golden Skeletor; who can stand before their might? Who can withstand the annihilating wonder of their presence? You might as well ask: Where is the ant that can bench-press Mount Olympus?

Tune in tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern as they destroy and sweep away all traces of some vile gunk called the “Golden State Warriors.”