Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
It's October today! OCTOBER! WOOHOO!!! The greatest month of all, dammit. I wish every month were October. That means YOU, August. What are you fucking good for? You just sit there, useless as Dick Jauron's penis. October rules your shit. It's got football, watchable baseball, long pants, candy, EVERYTHING. You get that fall smell in the air. And your taint isn't sweaty anymore. Oh, man. I love it. October rules, and anyone who doesn't like it can go fingerblast a bull. Here are the months, ranked in order of awesomeness:
I fucking hate August and February. If you could be put into a safe, voluntary coma for both those months every year (in Feb's case, right after the Super Bowl ended), would you? FUCK AND YES, you would. Let's savor this month, people. Motorboat that fucker.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Packers at Vikings: Everyone's given ESPN shit for this stunt already, but allow me to pile on. ESPN, YOU ARE FUCKED. For everything nice thing you do, you pull something out of your ass that's at least ten times worse. Are you fucking serious? Deliberately trying to break the record for mentioning Brett Favre in a single show? And having Colin fucking Cowherd be the one to do it? WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAB ME IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A CORKSCREW? Honestly. It's not enough to piss everyone off. No, you have to actively declare to the world, "HEY, WE'RE GONNA PISS YOU OFF!" Are you people fucking deaf? Is it really worth the publicity to openly antagonize fans like this? What is wrong with you? No, seriously: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Die.
And fucking Cowherd, Jesus. Cowherd openly admits the shit he says on the radio is purposeful bullshit meant to goad people into angrily responding. That's the epitome of what ESPN is about now. No genuine sports discussion. Not even an honest opinion. Just asshole bullshitters deliberately trying to enrage you. Thanks for that, MSNFOXSPN. I'm really glad that's the business model you chose. I fucking hate your presence in the world. EAT SHIT. And that wasn't a purposefully antagonistic opinion of you meant to get attention. I mean every word. Find a pile of shit, scoop up a dribbly brown chunk, and stuff in right in your stupid fucking mouth.
(Oh, and here's David Fleming debunking the Favre as comeback king myth. I'm glad he won the game for the Vikings, but I'm well aware of the pain that little miracle has caused the rest of the universe.)
In other news, I'll be at this game. WHEE! Time to pack my dop kit. Will I forget saline solution again? You know I will. Ever sleep with your contacts on and try and pry them off a few hours after you wake up? You may as well cut out your own iris.
Chargers at Steelers: I'm getting a little tired of the Coach Ratings in Fleaflicker fantasy football. It's this little stat graph that grades your coaching job for the week depending on whether or not you started the right players. I never get 100%. I never put the optimal lineup in. And the coach rating is always there, more than happy to tell me what a complete shithead I am.
Ravens at Patriots: Who dropped Fred Taylor for Correll Buckhalter an hour before he put up a hundred and a touch last week? - - > this asshole < - - Goddamn you finally settling on a running back, Bill Belichick. I hate you and your sweaty, sweaty sideline clothing. Watching you coach a game is like watching Aaron Altman anchor the evening news.
Yahoo fantasy ball has a new feature called BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK that features the most lopsided score in your respective league. I have already been on the losing end of this twice. It doesn't feel good.
Jets at Saints: Rex Ryan fined David Clowney for tweeting a complaint about playing time last week. CLOWNEY, FROM NOW ON YOUR NICKNAME IS SHAKES!
Cowboys at Broncos: You really need to start watching the NFL Network's postgame show if you have access to it (unlike Leitch, who has to suffer without in his chic Brooklyn hood. NOT SO FUN TO BE HIP NOW, IS IT?) Oh, Rich Eisen. Rich, you are safe haven from the Bermans and Castases of this world. So affable. So charming. You are my little Jimmy Halpert. You even make Deion entertaining. This man surely can walk across backyard pools.
Seahawks at Colts: There was an ad for the Marines on last week that showed Marines training by performing the Joust challenge from American Gladiators. I swear I saw it. They had the helmets and giant padded batons and everything. AND MARINES ALSO HAVE TO SCALE WALLS TOO. This can't be a coincidence. Ufford would like to note that the Marines do NOT use tennis ball cannons, however. So, when you think about it, doesn't that make American Gladiators TOUGHER than Marines? I say yes. I think all Marines deserve gladiator nicknames stitched into their unis. Nitro. Valkrie. And such and such.
By the way, a lot of people like Bill Maher still make fun of that old al Qaeda footage showing terrorists training by using monkey bars. It may look stupid, but you have ever tried crossing monkey bars? AGONY. If they can cross monkey bars, we're fucked.
Titans at Jaguars: When Jack del Rio gets fired after the season is over and the Jags move to French Guyana, he'll finally be able to devote all his time to what ought to be his true calling: fronting an Eddie Money cover band. IF I COULD WALK ON WATER, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IN ME? MY LOVE IS SO TRUUUUUEEE…
Lions at Bears: Give Jim Schwartz a messier haircut and a droopy eye, and he'll look like a tan Thom Yorke.
Bengals at Browns: I have heard from reliable sources that one of Eric Mangini's coaching techniques is to place motivational slogans all over Brown's facilities and order players to memorize said slogans. This makes sense, seeing as how they don't have time to remember USEFUL things, like how to tackle, or run a crisp post route.
Giants at Chiefs: "Hmm. Looks like Matt Cassel isn't playing up to snuff. Let's TRADE his potentially useful backup." Oh, Todd Haley. Your downfall will be swift and oh so delightful.
Bucs at Redskins: Someone asked me the other day who the worst local sports talk radio guy is in the universe. I can't answer that because I haven't lived everywhere, but here in DC, Doc Walker is fucking putrid. Like Schlereth, he confuses analysis with motivational speaking. "It's time for this team to GET TOUGH. No more excuses." Repeat that quote ad nauseam and you get the idea. Who is he talking to? Who is supposed to get fired up by this? The team can't fucking hear you, Doc. Go home and stare at your old jersey some more, you old prick.
Raiders at Texans
Bills at Dolphins
Rams at 49ers
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"All Secrets Known," by Alice in Chains. Dude, the guy they hired to replace Layne Staley sounds EXACTLY like Layne Staley. And the new guy is BLACK! And has a huge Afro, which is badass! Listen to this song. It's fucking eerie. It sounds as if Staley is still in the band.
Is that fucked up not?
It's been fourteen years since Alice in Chains last released a record, which makes the release of "Black Turns To Blue" an understated version of the "Chinese Democracy" hoopla that went on last year (anyone still listening to that album? Nope.) Layne Staley died seven years ago, so anyone would be right to assume that AIC would (and should) have died with him. It's easy to think that continuing the band without Staley would be a waste of time, that would end up tarnishing the band's legacy, or some shit like that. Only one band has ever replaced a beloved, suddenly dead lead singer successfully: AC/DC. I think. I'm sure I missed another example there. Fuck.
But think about it from the band's perspective. You were a wildly popular, well-respected band in the 90's. Then your singer killed himself with heroin. Does the rest of that band really OWE Layne Staley anything? Haven't they been more than respectful to be on hiatus for this long? As men trying to earn a living, don't they have a right to use the AIC brand name to help make money on the road and with album sales? Jerry Cantrell was an equal, if not larger, contributor to Alice in Chains than Staley was. On their last album, Cantrell was the one who sang lead on arguably the best songs ("Over Now," "Grind," etc.) Often, due to the mixing, it was easy to get his voice and Staley's confused. Now, here he is again, making music under the Alice name, and singing the same kind of harmonies with William DuVall he once did with Staley. It's either sacrilege, or a great comeback. I'm not sure which. All I know is that it's nice to hear the sound of this band once again, even if the record is uneven. It's been a long goddamn time.
Also, to all the bands who tried to sound like Alice In Chains and failed miserably (Godsmack, Puddle of Mudd), I hope your lead singer dies from a heroin overdose. Seriously, Godsmack is from Mass and their lead singer is named Sully. FUCK THEM.
Embarassing iTunes Track I Once Kept That Will Not Fire You Up
"Clocks," by Coldplay. My mom called me the other day, very excited.
Mom: Drew, I just started listening to Coldplay. I love them!
Me: That's great, mom.
Mom: What kind of music would you call their music? Is it a kind of folk rock?
Me: Shit, mom. It's shit.
Mom: Get me more of their albums for my birthday.
My mom has listened to a grand total of three other musical artists in her life: Elvis, Norah Jones, and kd lang. Coldplay now joins that very select and distinguished group. Congratulations, fellas. Now lose the goddamn uniforms. You look like rejects from the fucking Nutcracker.
Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? A record whacking time, perhaps? Email me any question or observation you like. Reader Cody beat my time:
48.18 seconds. I am the Michael Phelps of dolphin flogging.
FIEND! I'LL FIND A WAY TO OUTWHACK YOU SOMEHOW!
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Felix Jones. Goddamn you, Felix. I've never been so excited to see one of my fantasy players hit the field. Marion Barber was out. YOU had the whole game to yourself. You got over 12 yards a touch in the first half. Victory was in my grasp. And then you fucking got hurt. YOU FUCK! THIS WAS YOUR NIGHT TO SHINE, YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE A SLEEPER, YOU COCK. FUCKING ACT LIKE ONE. GAHHHHH!!!
/tears out own pubic hair
This happened with Frank Gore last weekend too. You get all excited to see your players play, and then they get disappear from the field early on, and you don't know why. And then you realize that they're hurt, and they're never coming back into the game, and all you can do is sit there while some asshole with HEALTHY PLAYERS shoves it right up your fucking ass. God DAMMIT. I can't even talk about it. So awful.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of Baltimore was correct, making me 3-0 on the year. That puts the Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Houston, and Trent Dilfer. Last week, Dilfer used the term "NFL position of quarterback" during ESPN's postgame show. Now, Trent Dilfer is by all accounts a really nice person. So all I ask of you, Trent, is that you use only the words you need. TAKE ONLY THE THINGS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Bucs getting 7 points on the road against the Redskins. Say, when do those Obama death panels start? I'm very good on death panels. Any panels, actually. I was on the ‘Liar's Club' game show panel with Leslie Easterbrook and Jimmie Walker once. I had a wonderful time. The object in question was a lamp. I lied and said it was a Jew firelighter. The contestant totally bought it!"
2009 Nazi Shark Record: 2-1
This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was J. Dugan. He gets a free rant space here.
I can imagine many people are baffled as to how Drew makes a living as a writer. 'He's disgusting and vulgar and everything that is wrong with America, and his writing sucks too,' they might say. But to answer the question 'Why does Drew Magary have a job?', one only needs these words found in a Google Image search for Drew's name.
As for Daulerio, it's hard to effectively insult someone who describes himself as 'Selectively aloof dago mustache bon vivant who can't have nice things.' But fuck that guy in the ironic facial hair, anyway.
This week's winner was Things Trebek Sucks. Mr. Trebek Sucks, kindly come claim your insult prize.
Great Moments In Poop History
J Dugan also sent us a poop story. Here it is. I call it, "Poop Simple."
One night in college, myself and 10 other guys decided to purchase and finish off a keg in one night. All of us got appropriately shitcanned, but one friend, Tyler, apparently went a wee bit too far. He passed out around midnight, the first to go down, in the bed of one of the hosts, Alex. The rest of this story is surmised from best guesses, as no one knows exactly what happened.
At some point, Tyler gets up in the middle of the night to take a shit. He sits on the can and quickly realizes he's going to puke, but decides to barf into the bathtub rather than the toilet. In leaning towards the tub, he falls off the toilet onto his knees, where he proceeds to simultaneously puke into the tub and shit all over the back of his pants (but not actually IN his pants). Being completely hammered, he doesn't realize he's shit on his pants and sits back on the toilet, smearing shit all over the underside of the toilet. He wipes (unnecessarily, of course), then heads back to Alex's bed, which he absolutely COVERS in shit. It looks like someone filmed a German scat orgy in the goddamn thing. In the morning, the rest of us wake up to find Tyler gone, a bed practically doused in shit, a tub full of vomit, and a shit smeared all over the underside of the toilet.
Confronted, Tyler pleads ignorance, and his case actually holds water: he was so hungover when he woke up in the morning, he drove home without knowing he had shit on himself and passed out in his own bed, smearing shit all over his own car upholstery and bedsheets in the process.
Oof, the car? DAGGER. Once you get a bad smell in your car upholstery, even Jesus himself cannot unpoop it.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
I'll use the asterisk from now on to denote a potential MID-SEASON firing, the best kind of firing of all.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Fig Newtons! Eat one Fig Newton, and you need to drink about a gallon of water before eating a second. Fig Newtons are the rare food that gets better the staler it becomes. If there were a ten-year-old Fig Newton lying on the side of the road, I would eat it. Mmmm…. Chewy.
Ever skin a Fig Newton? I have. You gently pull off the sides with your teeth, and then peel off the top layer of cake. You are left with just the fig filling on a small canapé of cake. One time, I combined two together, not unlike two twisted off Double Stufs. I didn't do this because it was any better than just eating it straight. I just did it because I'm retarded and fat. That was one figgy cookie. Like eating a sand-filled caramel.
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Gritty McDuff's Original. I like it because it sounds like both Duff Beer AND Gritty Kitty cat litter. This beer is brewed in Maine. I spent four years of my life in that state. One day, that state will be walled off and turned into a Federal prison. You mark my words.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is STILL Drew Brees of the Saints! I like that he's grown his hair out. It looks like mine! Wild? You bet! Untamed? ROWR! Ali McGraw used to play with my hair all the time. ‘Evans,' she'd coo, ‘why can't I have hair like yours?' And I told her baby, you shoot a movie in Bangladesh, and you get a free bottle of tiger semen from the President for shooting a major Hollywood production there, and you can! All my thanks in the world, President Zbubaumptu! This hair is a David Lean epic!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Chinatown! In honor of Roman Polanski's arrest. Jake Gittes has his revenge at last, you little fucker! I saw the beginning of this movie when I was, like four. Polanski's character walked up to Jack, raped his nose with a knife, and I was scarred for life after that. Thanks for showing me that, Mom. No Coldplay records for you.
"Polanski! THAT SLY JEW! Lemme tell you something, baby. Lotta people were outraged that Polanski nailed a 13-year-old. BUT HE'S HAD YOUNGER, BELIEVE YOU ME! Champagne with 8-year-olds? YOU BET! Trips to Istanbul with toddlers? THAT WAS ROMAN'S SIGNATURE MOVE!"
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Tough times, huh? I've lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics. I'll survive this."
That quote comes from the Burns Casino episode, which is one of my favorites. I usually get all Jamboroo Simpsons quotes from The Simpsons Archive. In terms of thoroughness of research, the site's more comprehensive than the 9/11 commission. It's got quotes, background details, all that shit.
And then, there are the reviews. I like to check out the reviews of classic episodes from time to time. Most were written right after the episode aired. And the reviewers are absolutely fucking BRUTAL on the show. Look at this review from the $pringfield episode. It'll sound familiar:
Neil Berkman: I thought it was by far the worst Simpsons episode ever. Not a laugh in it. I could pull a better cartoon out of my...Hey kids!! Bill Oakley, if you're reading this, sorry, but that episode was the absolute bottom of the barrel. Just when I was regaining some faith in the show after the dismal start of the season...
Snippets from five more:
overall, I would have to say that a fully complete plot was lacking. Rating: C/C+…
…Well, as a story and plot, it was rather fair…
…it had the form of a Simpsons episode, but there was just something terribly wrong with it…
…the plot was weakly developed…
…Didn't work for me. Kissinger, Cooney, and Goulet were excellent, but I didn't get the Howard Hughes thing, so I was going "Huh?..."
Keep in mind, this was from Season Five, during the peak of the show's powers (Season 4-6 pretty much represent the Mona Lisa of television comedy). We're talking about fucking brilliant episodes, and the SNPP community shit all over them. Is it any wonder the show's writers threw up their hands and eventually put the show on autopilot? I'd give my prostate for the show to do episodes this good again.
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Argentinian TV personality and overall very hot person Silvina Luna. This gallery allows you to sort by categories such as "sheer," "beaver," and "pokies." Now THAT is user-friendly design.
-For the gals: This dude. He's all wet and shirtless. GET SOME.
Enjoy the games, everyone.