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OH MY GOD SNOWMOBILING RULES DROP EVERYTHING YOU HAVE NOW AND BUY A SNOWMOBILE OR ELSE SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ONLINE LIKE A LOSER

This week the Deadspin Snow Idiots visited the toddlin’ town of St. Bonifacius to ride some snowmobiles with friend of the blog Karl and his father-in-law, Jeff. And brother, lemme tell you: I have wasted my life. To think I went 41 years without knowing the feel of a growling snowhog between my ample thighs is just unthinkable now.

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If you’ve never ridden a snowmobile, then guess what? Your life is a toilet. You are idling your way to the grave. YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SNOWBOY.

But I am. Look at those jackets, brother. BAD. ASS. I’m leaving everything behind to live the life of the snowboy. It is my destiny. My snowhog and I are gonna get sick air and throw up gnarly rooster tails of pristine white fluff everywhere we go, and no one will stop me. The rest of you sucker-ass bitches can peace the fuck out because FROM NOW I SHALL RIDE FREE.

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I’m gonna join a snowmobiling gang.

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.

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