Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

This week the Deadspin Snow Idiots visited the toddlin’ town of St. Bonifacius to ride some snowmobiles with friend of the blog Karl and his father-in-law, Jeff. And brother, lemme tell you: I have wasted my life. To think I went 41 years without knowing the feel of a growling snowhog between my ample thighs is just unthinkable now.

If you’ve never ridden a snowmobile, then guess what? Your life is a toilet. You are idling your way to the grave. YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SNOWBOY.

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But I am. Look at those jackets, brother. BAD. ASS. I’m leaving everything behind to live the life of the snowboy. It is my destiny. My snowhog and I are gonna get sick air and throw up gnarly rooster tails of pristine white fluff everywhere we go, and no one will stop me. The rest of you sucker-ass bitches can peace the fuck out because FROM NOW I SHALL RIDE FREE.

I’m gonna join a snowmobiling gang.

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.

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