Only The Papa Can Save Papa John's, Says Papa John

It hasn’t yet been a month since Papa John Schnatter was discarded from his own company for the sins of saying the N-word on a conference call, allegedly acting like a creep to employees, and just generally mismanaging the hell out of his pizza business. But the disgraced Papa won’t go quickly or quietly. Like an exiled monarch, Papa is plotting.

The first step along the Papa’s road to reclamation seems to have been taken, and it came in the form of a phone call with the Associated Press in which Papa cut right to the heart of the matter: the people are crying out for the Papa. From the AP:

John Schnatter said in an interview with The Associated Press that he believes he can return to TV and radio ads once the public understands the context of his comments.

“My persona resonates with the consumer because it’s authentic, it’s genuine and it’s the truth,” Schnatter said in a phone interview late Wednesday, with his lawyer and representative present.

The Papa has witnessed a great decay. He tells the AP that Papa John’s is suffering financially in part because of its attempts to “cater to the millennials.” Only the Papa remembers what truly matters, and what matters is the ingredients:

Though Papa John’s may blame its poor performance on him, Schnatter said the company is suffering because it moved away from its “roots” and made too many marketing changes at once. In addition to his disappearance from ads, he said Papa John’s stopped focusing on its “better ingredients” mantra and made misguided changes, such as tweaking the red and green in the logo “to cater to the millennials.”

You see, it’s not just the Papa’s moistened face or lipless smile that has left such a hole in the collective heart of the pizza-consuming public, but what the Papa represents. He stands for the ingredients. He stands for the real meats. He stands for us all.