Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Pat Burrell Is The Machine. Fact.

Illustration for article titled Pat Burrell Is The Machine. Fact.

In a post titled "Pat Burrell Says Hello!," BarStool Sports has seemingly put to rest any questions about the identity of Brian Wilson's special gimp-gear-laden pal, affectionately called The Machine.

The Machine's government name was a mystery when he took a leisurely stroll behind the Giants' closer during a pre-bearded interview with The Cheap Seats's Chris Rose. (See 0:43 of this video).

Subsequent investigation pretty much established that Burrell was, in fact, The Machine. But still, the world lacked decisive evidence. Which brings us back to BarStool's post today. Here's the reader email, picking up from the inference of Burrell saying hello.


"According to my sources and the attached pictures, yes. These pictures were taken at Barry Zito's $9 mil, 6k sqft, Tuscan Mansion about 20 miles north of SF in Marin County. I'm sure you've read about some of his antics. He is one of the biggest douches I have ever met in my entire life…

Whether he's "one of the biggest douches" an anonymous tipster has ever met is of little importance. What is of import, in a no-stone-left-unturned sense, is the fact that in two pictures — one in gimp-gear, the other in what appear to be high-school tennis shorts — the bare nipples match. Case closed.

Giants pitchers and catchers report Monday.

Pat Burrell Says Hello! [BarStool Sports New York]

For Those Of You Who Still Don't Think Pat Burrell Is The Gimp-Costumed Machine [Deadspin]


SHOTY Semifinals: No. 3 Karen F. Owen Vs. No. 7 The Machine [Deadspin]

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