Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!
Hope springs eternal in Altoona, Pa., where the local Class AA Eastern League Pittsburgh Pirates affiliate, the Curve, await a very special guest on Monday. Will Ferrell has been invited to throw out the first pitch in the Curve's game against the Akron Aeros, and to meet and greet fans. This will be a glorious day for fans of baseball and comedy alike; except for one minor, possible hitch: Ferrell has not said that he will attend. In fact, it's quite possibly that he knows nothing about it.
Monday is “Please Come to Altoona Will Ferrell!” Night at Blair County Ballpark, as Hollywood mega-star Will Ferrell will toss out a ceremonial first pitch, broadcast an inning on radio and sign autographs for Curve fans. Actually, the odds of any of that happening are extraordinarily slim, but the Curve are hereby begging Mr. Ferrell to accept their invitation. Either way, the Curve will play video clips from his hilarious performances in “Anchorman”, “Old School” and many other films.
Oh, and also feel free to scream: Get on the bag!
Elsewhere in upcoming promotional events:
• Superstition Night. Friday, July 18, Lowell Spinners (Class A New York-Penn League). A mirror-breaking contest and other superstitious activities are planned, including an announcement that a no-hitter is in progress after every inning.
• Batman Night. Friday, July 18, Beloit Snappers (Class A Midwest League). One of many Batman promotions around the minor leagues, as The Dark Knight opens in theaters around the country. Dress up in your best Batman attire! I know I will ... and I'm not even leaving the house.
• Second Amendment Night. Friday, July 18, Fresno Grizzlies (Class AAA Pacific Coast League). The second amendment guarantees our right to bear arms. Get it, bear arms? Oh, how clever. Special second amendment festivities will abound, including discounts for fans wearing sleeveless shirts, and free hunter safety classes. Details here.
• Salute To Frivolous Lawsuits Night. Monday, July 21, West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). Lukewarm coffee will be served so that no fans will burn themselves, and kids 12 and under will receive beach balls with a label warning them not to ingest it.
• Revolutionary War Night. Tuesday, July 22, Vero Beach Devil Rays (Class A Florida State League). In which members of the club's front office will re-enact key moments from the war for independence. The Battle of Bunker Hill, the Battle of Valley Forge, Washington crossing the Delaware, plus "the possible late arrival of the French." It all should resemble something like this. [Thanks To Benjamin Hill]
• Racing Vegetables Of The Week. Asparagus. Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Stockton is home to three varieties of asparagus, and also the annual Asparagus Festival. One of the most competitive of all vegetables, here are the asparagus (asparagi?) during a rare casual moment.
We want your minor league tips! Send any game reports, photos or Anchorman quotes to Rick@Deadspin.com. And thanks!