Power Slap sucks so we've conceived 10 'combat sports' shows we'd rather watch

Videos have blown up on social media over the last few months, if not sporadically over the last decade, of fights taking place at Waffle House. It’s close to getting a Michelin Star, I can feel it. The classiest food establishment on many roads in America has been the breeding ground for punches, kicks, slams, and throwing of whatever objects are in the vicinity of those in the fight. Let’s take cameras across America to settle these scores in their natural environments. Want to dip someone into the deep fryer? Sure! Let’s toss a barstool and see where it lands too! And hopefully, we get to see the rare chef versus customer fight!

This would be fun. Let’s see the differences between an average person and amateur fighters putting on a blindfold and trying to win a boxing match for money. Everything about the Queensberry Rules stays the same and you add a blindfold. It’s easy to explain and easy to understand. Imagine the big swings and misses and the payoff when a big punch actually connects. And the chances of giving out CTE are lower because it’s a glove hitting a face and not directly another person’s fist or hand.

While filming one of Deadspin’s man on the street videos this past summer asking “Is Wordle a Sport?” a nice tourist gave the stance that it’s not a real sport unless you have defense. And his wife was a figure skating coach. Well, let’s embrace that idea and make it happen. You have one skater doing their usual artistic routine and another skater purely trying to block a third participant from disrupting the routine. Would it be worth it to see Nathan Chen (pictured) or Alysa Liu avoid a tackler? Put it in the Olympics!

A dating show, Maury and a combat-sports show all wrapped into one! Maury Povich was best known for his daytime talk show and its paternity testing. Security wasn’t too far away from contentious couples fighting over parental disputes.

Now, we’ll bring in the family of those involved, specifically, any unfaithful person’s grandma to teach them a lesson.

An elderly woman gets free swings at any man who messed with his granddaughter. Same goes for grandmas protecting their grandsons. I think seeing this form of combat would be unique and highly captivating.

Yes. The simple “one, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war” game from children’s recess makes it onto the small screen. With dramatic lighting, commentary, and an eloquent set, this would hook people easier than smacking each other. Amazing camera work would be needed to capture the thumb-on-thumb fighting. And there could be multiple ways to win: Submission (holding your opponent’s thumb down for more than five seconds) and points (more thumb tackles than your opponent).

Coming up with only original ideas isn’t how television works these days, so let’s have a third run on the air for the Claymation professional wrestling extraordinaire. The over-the-top violence and celebrity usage would make this an instant hit again. It hasn’t been on the air since 2007, when its revival only lasted a year. It aired on MTV for its original run and then MTV2 for the revival. Put the new episodes on Paramount+ and watch the subscriptions roll in.

Politics has never been more polarizing and publicly cruel. Those in Washington can’t seem to ever agree on anything. Well, instead of gridlock or 15 rounds of voting to elect a Speaker of the House, let’s have these elected officials fight for what they believe. No amount of money under the table can save you inside a boxing ring or steel cage. Five-time world heavyweight champion George Santos (pictured) could prove he’s not lying about his athleticism in a boxing match against Hakeem Jeffries. And there’d be so many other enticing matchups.

It’s not quite Medieval Times or any kind of renaissance fair, but armed knights running into each other with weapons sounds like a blast. If you have team and individual competitions with stakes, hello television gold! There hasn’t been a professional jousting league to make it to television ever and if slapping can work, something more intricate with timing, animals and large pieces of equipment should do just fine. And having a crowd like you’d find at Medieval Times wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

It’s basically the children’s game red rover with tackling. How cool does that sound? It’s mainly popular in Asian countries such as Bangladesh, where it’s the national sport, and India. It’s played with seven members per side and in front of large crowds. It clearly takes a ton of skill and strategy to be good at. There’s no reason why it wouldn’t catch on in America. Which television station wants the next big thing on its hands?

The three-word phrase shouted several times in the 2006 movie Idiocracy, and by all men worldwide, becomes a combat-sports show. Instead of smacking each other in the face blind, just kick each other in the groin. The new sports shouldn’t be just for men, so maybe it should be called “Ow! My Crotch!” or something to that effect. How many people have gotten CTE from getting kicked in their private parts? It’s already safer than Power Slap.