Your morning roundup for May 5, the day a former vice president wants you to thank "enhanced interrogation" for the current president's visit to Ground Zero.
• The Tampa Bay Lightning swept the No. 1 seed Washington Capitals right on out of the playoffs with a 5-3 win last night [Tampa Tribune]. Their Eastern Conference Finals foe will likely be the Boston Bruins who took a 3-0 series lead by scoring more goals in the first 1:03 of the first period than the Philadelphia Flyers scored during the whole game [Boston Herald]. (Photo H/T Getty Images)
• Way out west in Michigan, the San Jose Sharks rode a Devin Setoguchi hat trick to an overtime victory and 3-0 series lead over the Detroit Red Wings. [Free Press]
• NBA MVP Derrick (or David) Rose scored 25 points to help lead the Bulls to a 13-point, even-the-series win over the Atlanta Hawks [Chicago Tribune]. The Mavs beat the Lakers again and, "Despite attempts by Lakers Coach Phil Jackson, this is no laughing matter" [L.A. Times].
• In Zack Greinke's long-awaited Brewers debut, Atlanta pitcher Tim Hudson threw a one-hitter to sweep a doubleheader.
"I guess the end result was bad, but for the most part I pitched decent," said Greinke. [Journal Sentinel]
Milwaukee's in fifth place in the NL Central. On the plus side, there are six teams in the division.
• No matter what Yahoo Sports says, Clint Barmes isn't Rickie Weekes, and Rickie Weekes isn't Clint Barmes. [The Sports Banter]
• Somebody wrote a "Diary of a 13-inning, 7-plus-hour loss" during and after last night's/this morning's 5-3 Angels win over the Red Sox. Thought you should know [ESPN Boston]. Hopefully, the diary involves an entry about Angels announcers Victor Rojas and Mike Gubicza donning their rally wrestling masks [Awful Announcing].
• Manchester United's 4-1 win over Schalke yesterday means that the British side will face FC Barcelona in the UEFA Champions League title match at Wembley on May 28. The game is a rematch of the 2009 final, which Barca won 2-0. It's what the people wanted, writes a Daily Mail columnist who's pretty much right. Side note: Cristiano Ronaldo is still whining about losing. [Sporting Alert]
• Rashard Mendenhall "appreciate(s) those of you who have decided to read this letter and attain a greater understanding of my recent twitter posts" because they were "only meant to encourage anyone reading it to think.' [R34Mendenhall]
• A jury found Tennessee Titans QB Chris Simms not guilty of driving high in lower Manhattan. Hopefully, Mendenhall will be Tweeting about this hologram-driven travesty posthaste. [New York Daily News]
• Former Crimson Tide and current Kansas City Chiefs DB Javier Arenas, who rode out the Tuscaloosa twisters in a bathtub, returned to town with a van full of "animal crackers, granola bars, apple sauce, fruit cups, peanut butter, canned tuna and corn, bottled water, batteries, sun block, bug spray, tooth paste, diapers, soap, deodorant and what Arenas called 'girl products.'" [Al.com]
• Oh look, Auburn recruit Jermaine Whitehead posted a picture of a sweet new Camaro, but quickly took said photo down. Probably just an oversight. Here's a story from the time way back in January when he was choosing between the Tigers, Mississippi State and Ole Miss. [Flickr]
• The track coach at a Massachusetts high school got fired for allowing his team to practice topless.
"Even when it's above 60 degrees it's very noticeable about how much cooler you are and how much easier it is to run," said a team member. "After a point when your shirt is covered with sweat and just sticking to you, it's just a bad situation.
Oh, it's the boys team. [Westwood Press]
• Now that the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear the case of a Texas high school cheerleader who got thrown off the squad for refusing to chant the name of a basketball player she said had raped her, she has to cover the school's $45,000 in legal fees. [Business Insider]
• Fresh off his stunning turn as "Guy who berates teenage volunteer trying to find his lost golf ball," Rory Sabbatini might well get suspended by the PGA Tour for "a profanity-laced argument with Sean O'Hair during last week's Zurich Classic in New Orleans." [AP]
• In Colombian soccer news, "While walking off the field at half time, down three to zero against home team Centauros, Atletico Bucaramanga players were attacked by rowdy, knife-wielding fans who apparently broke through security to inflict harm on their own team's players. [Colombia Reports]
• Chances are, Villarreal will not overcome its four-goal first-leg deficit to Porto in the UEFA Europa League semifinals. (It's like the NIT, only in Europe, and they play soccer). But, if you're sitting around at 3 p.m. eastern, and they happen to do so, well, you'll never live down the fact that you left "The Doctors" on to find out what's really in your food. [Irish Times]
A few stories you might've missed.
Rap Game, Crap Game: A Brewers fan tries to spit rhymes about his team, doesn't do so very well.