Professional Footballers, They’re Just Like Us...But With Sex Parties

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Manchester City’s Kyle Walker has his own brand of social distancing, one he gives a thumbs up.
Manchester City’s Kyle Walker has his own brand of social distancing, one he gives a thumbs up.
Photo: Getty

We know the shutdown to the Coronavirus has some feeling pent up. Restless. Maybe even to the point where it feels like the walls of your home are closing in. Every day is the same. It’s hard to distinguish one from the next.

There are many steps you can take. A long walk. A healthy exercise routine in the house. Being good to yourself through cooking more complicated, yet healthy meals. Staying clean and such.

Or you can be Manchester City’s Kyle Walker, who, along with a friend, paid two sex workers £2,200 (that’s about $2,698.82) to come over to his home during the nation-wide shutdown for a little two-on-two...among other arrangements. Depending on hydration.


“I want to take this opportunity to issue a public apology for the choices I made last week. I understand that my position as a professional footballer brings the responsibility of being a role model. As such, I want to apologise to my family, friends, football club, supporters and the public for letting them down.”

Remember kids, the worst sex parties are the ones you have to apologize for afterward. A good sex party means never having to say you’re sorry.


In a statement, Walker’s club expressed its disappointment in its footballer’s questionable social distancing practices. Take the time to think about what it must be like to have your bosses comment on your sex party. Maybe being a celebrity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“Manchester City are aware of a story in a tabloid newspaper regarding the private life of Kyle Walker in relation to a breach of the UK lockdown and social distancing rules. Footballers are global role models and our staff and players have been working to support the incredible efforts of the NHS and other key workers in fighting the effects of the COVID-19 coronavirus, in any way we can. Kyle’s actions in this matter have directly contravened these efforts. We are disappointed to hear the allegations, note Kyle’s swift statement and apology, and will be conducting an internal disciplinary procedure.”


To make things even more delicious, Walker took to twitter last week to encourage fellow Brits to stay safe and “check in on loved ones but don’t visit them.” Hey, give him this, these weren’t loved ones.


Exercise is important to this period of time. And we’re all feeling lonely or needing touch. And hey, if you have thousands of dollars/pounds lying around that you’d never spend otherwise, you might be tempted, as well.

Generally, you pay professionals to leave. The world is truly upside down when you pay them to arrive now.