What. A. Day. We had a lot of highs and lows for the first weekend of the year but I can't believe it's basically over now. Robert Griffin III had himself a day. Ryan Tannehill had himself a day to forget. We'll fill you in on it all with the first Sunday roundup of the year. Thanks to commenter whodoyouknowhere for the image.
New York Jets 48, Buffalo 28: Well this game sure put a damper on the pregame narrative of the Bills rebooted defense and the Jets terrible offense. It also had that moment we were all waiting for with the scab refs: where their collective heads exploded. It happened right after the two minute warning before the half, on a review of a fumble with a potentially out-of-bounds recovering defender complicating things and a lateral during the return thrown in for good measure. New York is Super Bowl bound.
Chicago 41, Indianapolis 21: Jay Cutler is apparently fourth all-time on the Bears touchdown list. He's been on the team for like six months. That is a mess, Chicago.
Philadelphia 17, Cleveland 16: I may have been the only person who enjoyed the Dream Team gag from last year, but I do miss it. Anyway, Trent Richardson was responsible for nearly decapitating a person and if the Browns had actually won, that might have been truer than we'd all care to find out.
Detroit 27, St. Louis 23: Stafford threw a five yard touchdown pass with 10 seconds to go in the game to sneak past the Rams. Stafford taketh away after Stafford giveth, though. The Rams were able to hang around because of three Stafford interceptions in the first half. Most-annoying-person-on-the-planet Cortland Finnegan even took one of those interceptions 31 yards for a touchdown.
Houston 30, Miami 10: Ryan Tannehill threw three interceptions in six minutes. That is downright Pitinoean. Matt Schaub and Arian Foster shrugged off injury concerns with fairly standard performances. Foster had two touchdowns and 79 yards and Schaub threw for 266 and a touchdown on the day the Texans announced they extended him four years and $62 million.
Atlanta 40, Kansas City 24: Robotic nice guy Matt Ryan threw for 299 yards and three touchdowns as the Falcons beat up on Kansas City. Tony Gonzalez got his first touchdown at Arrowhead since leaving the Chiefs. Noteworthiness! (His dunk over the goal post worked out better than Vernon Davis's.)
Minnesota 26, Jacksonville 23: This was a big bummer for Jags fans. Gabbert throws a touchdown with 20 seconds to go, they successfully execute a two point conversion to go up by three and they still lost in overtime. Minnesota needed a 55 yard field goal as time expired to force overtime. And in overtime, we had the first run of the new overtime rules where a field goal on the first possession was not an automatic winner. The Vikings hit a 38 yarder and had to stop Jacksonville on offense one more time.
Washington 40, New Orleans 32: Said Griffin after the game regarding counterpart Drew Brees: "At the end of the game he told me he was proud of me. That's big for him to say after they just lost a game." I don't particularly care one way or the other about the Washington Redskins but that was awesome and I am still dying with laughter.
New England 34, Tennessee 13: Nothing to see here. Jake Locker hurt his left shoulder trying to tackle a Patriots defender after Nate Washington fumbled and Gronk is dumb.
Tom Coughlin hates to be annoyed. The things that annoy Tom Coughlin—and only Tom Coughlin—in order of importance are: bad penalties, penalties, mental lapses, turnovers, looking at referees and losing football games because of all of these things. We will be picking the worst play of the day and ranking it on a scale (1-5) of Exasperated Tom Coughlin Faces. One Exasperated Tom Coughlin Face being mild exasperation and 5 being face-melting exasperation.
This Mark Sanchez brain fart gets 3 Exasperated Tom Coughlin Faces. Tom Coughlin hates mental lapses and turnovers.
Trey Wingo: OK, guys it's time for our Team That Merely Looks Like A Good Team/Team That Actually Is a Good Team segment. Stink, let's start with you. Who's your Team That Merely Looks Good?
Mark Schlereth: To me you've got to look at the Bufffff-alo Bills. We had a lot of guys around here talking about them finishing second in the AFC East and they went into MetLife Stadium and got smacked. In. The. Mouth. By. The. New. York. Jets.
Herm Edwards: I-I-I agree with you on the Bills, but I'm gonna zig-zag on ya, Stink! For me it's got to be the De-troit Lions.The Rams, [tilts head, crazy googily eyes at Trey Wingo] the Rams are not a good football team Trey WINGO! The De-troit Lions are-are-are trying to tell me they are a Team That Actually Is A Good Team? Not buying it!
Trey Wingo: OK, who do you guys have as Teams That Actually Are A Good Team?
Schlereth: The New. York. G.I.A.N.T.S. They're the Team That Actually Is A Good Team until proven otherwise and, [exaggeratedly indicates self with hands] to me, that loss to Dallas doesn't change a thing.
Edwards: Gotta be the Giants!
Wingo: Back to you, roundup.
San Francisco 30, Green Bay 22: What a difference a year makes. The Packers are winless and got pushed around by San Francisco. Jim Harbaugh maintained control over the title of most overtly angry person in football and Randy Moss did not moon anyone. He did, however, remind Green Bay folks in case they forgot his name.
Tampa Bay 16, Carolina 10: I don't want to be all old crusty crank here, but Cam Newton threw for over 300 yards and one touchdown and the panthers lost. Again. What gives, Panthers? Usually it's the defense, but this time it might actually be Newton's fault. He also threw two interceptions and Gregg Schiano's "rejuvenated" defensed did not need much else.
Arizona 20, Seattle 16: This recap shall remain unfinished until John Skelton finishes the game. It is my tribute—my eternal flame.