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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Screw the rules! Our jerseys look like vomit now

The Dallas Stars unveiled their new uniforms today.
The Dallas Stars unveiled their new uniforms today.
Image: Dallas Stars

The photo above is not part of an energy drink advertisement, nor is it some sort of misguided Tron cosplay. It is, in fact, the latest aesthetic for hockey’s Dallas Stars, whose apparent quest to become that city’s most toxic franchise has taken a literal turn.

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Team officials, debuting the Ninja Turtle Green kit Tuesday as a second alternate jersey, told the Dallas Morning News the new look stemmed from overwhelming amounts of fan feedback. It is unclear whether fans had clamored specifically for an “irradiated disaster zone” color scheme.

The Stars’ vice president of marketing, Dan Stuchal, summed up the creative approach: “Radically modern, next generation, and, I like this third one, screw the rules.”

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This is America, dammit, and it is the Dallas Stars’ prerogative to skate around looking like cyberpunk firefighters if they so choose. Screw the rules!

To that end, the jerseys are also emblazoned with a scrappy slogan: “Come and take it,” a phrase first popularized some 2,500 years ago by the outnumbered Spartan warriors of Thermopylae, whose opponents, the Persian Empire, came and took it.

“Come and take it” enjoyed a revival in Texas during its 1835 war with Mexico, and has remained a bellicose state motto ever since. Now, it serves as a marketable splash of empty bravado for the Stars.

“We really wanted the new colors, the new jersey, to establish itself with our fanbase,” said team CEO Brad Alberts.

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In the sense that Chernobyl “established itself” with eastern Europe, this uniform is sure to succeed.

But don’t take it from me! I am an embittered goof with no sense of style. Here are more photos of the jersey to help you make up your own mind:

Don’t skate into the fluorescent lighting!
Don’t skate into the fluorescent lighting!
Photo: Dallas Stars
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You don’t even need to buy your own caution tape!
You don’t even need to buy your own caution tape!
Photo: Dallas Stars
Players CANNOT join forces to summon a large robot
Players CANNOT join forces to summon a large robot
Photo: Dallas Stars
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Per NHL rules on alternate jerseys, they’ll be wearing these about a dozen times a year over the next three seasons, according to The Athletic. Get your half-assed Matrix references in order now.

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