Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* When you wear a Miami Heat jersey inside the cranky confines of Jacobs Field, you're basically looking for trouble, it seems. The man pictured above was escorted out of the stadium after unruly fans began to hurl obscenities at him. [Chicago Breaking News]
* More Lebron news: A Canton, Ohio radio host named "Fig" said that he bumped into LeBron during his Vegas Caligula weekend. It didn't go well. [WOIO]
* The Phillies are bringing in Roy Oswalt, according to MLB.com. And Our Lord and Savior Domonic Brown hits the first two RBIs of his career which bring him just 2,295 short of Hank Aaron's all-time record. [The700Level]
* Speaking of records, A-Rod, the big chooch, can't seem to hit his 600th fucking home run. Get it together, blue lips. You suck. [NYP]
Good morning. It's Thursday. Drop your socks and grab your cocks because there's some trouble over yonder.