What if a football team replaced their primary play caller with an algorithm that selects a play at random based on the circumstance? (For example, it could be weighted by probability of conversion so you wouldn't run a QB dive on 3rd and 17).

Defenses would have a difficult time adjusting because play selection would be random (and therefore independent of the prior play) or maybe then defensive coordinators would think that they're spotting patterns that don't actually exist. It would also prevent teams from sticking to a gameplan that doesn't work ("We need to establish the running game!) and would lead to more points scored because the program would make better decisions about going for it on 4th down and such.


See, this is what the Ravens should have replaced Cam Cameron with. Instead, they picked Jim Caldwell. Now instead of dumpoff passes on third-and-long, they're gonna run DRAW PLAYS on third-and-long. SO EXCITING.

I'm sure there will come a time when robot coaches replace offensive coordinators (and honestly, you might as well replace the head man with one while you're at it), but that will be a sad day. It's no fun rooting for a COMPUTER to be fired. And I'll have a hard time convincing myself I could run a better offense than the SpreadBot5000. It can process four trillion game scenarios in half a nanosecond. I get a panic attack whenever the Madden play clock gets below 10 seconds. The computer has it on me. I can't even imagine the outrage when a computer gets its first coaching job. Herm Edwards will collapse and die on the air. And then Aaron Sorkin will write a smug movie about how the computer engineered a five-game winning streak during the Jaguars 2034 season. It will win two Oscars in minor categories.



I was looking at some old division records and noticed that in 1994, the NFC East had teams coached by Rich Kotite, Barry Switzer, Norv Turner, Buddy Ryan, and Dan Reeves. Basically, the best coach in the division was a guy who made the playoffs 3 times in 11 seasons after Elway (with a 70-92 record). The 2nd-best coach was an overrated buffoon who didn't understand (and often had disdain for) his offense everywhere he coached. The other three don't need any introduction.

Is this the worst group of coaches in a division in the last 20 years?

I thought the NFC West would be able to match it at some point, but Mike Holmgren ruins the Singletary and Linehan years in San Francisco and St. Louis. Then I thought that maybe the AFC East would have a good year for terrible coaching—what with the likes of Dave Wannstedt, Bruce Coslet, and Kottie passing through—but Belichick, Marv Levy, and Don Shula ruin that as well. Holmgren also ruins the leaner years of NFC North coaching, when Denny Green and Dave Wannstedt were around. Here's a fun fact: For an entire decade, the Bears were coached by either Dave Wannstedt or Dick Jauron. That's horrific. A full 10 years of that shit. I can't even imagine.



Doesn't it piss you off when you step in a wet spot on the bathroom floor after you've put your socks on?


It's even worse in the kitchen, because you never see it coming. Why is there water on the floor? WHO DID THIS?! So much anger.


What percent confident are you that the world isn't going to end on December 21? I consider myself a fairly rational person, and I don't logically believe that the Mayans accurately predicted the end of the world in 2012. I think they probably just got to 2012 in their calendar they were making and then ran out of tablet or died or something. Still, we've been hearing about the world ending in 2012 for so long that I can't honestly put myself at 100% confidence. I'd say I'm in the 95-98% confidence range that the world won't end.


Here's a fun fact for you: According to this book, if an asteroid were to come straight at us and destroy us, you'd probably have only about one second of warning before it happened. You wouldn't get a day, or an hour. You wouldn't get to have one of those precious indie-film moments in which you and your family have one last awkward barbecue before everything goes to shit. You would have one second, enough time to go "What the?" and then it's all over.

It makes sense when you think about it. You would think our space cameras would be able to spot an asteroid coming with a bit more lag time. But it turns out that space—even the immediate space around the Earth—is quite big. Imagine trying to find a rock in the Pacific Ocean, only instead of the Pacific Ocean, it's OUTER FUCKING SPACE WHICH IS SO BOUNDLESS AS TO DEFY COMPREHENSION. Terrifying. Anyway, this asteroid could destroy us at ANY time, and it may as well be this year as any other. I always believe at least 1 percent of crackpot theories.


Also, the entirety of Yellowstone National Park is actually a supervolcano, and it's 30,000 years overdue for an eruption that would destroy all life on Earth. Sleep well!


One of these is not like the other...


Yeah, but he's only got two bars. The pussy will be stopping every three seconds or so.


My buddy was walking down a sketchy alley in DC late Saturday night when he stumbled upon a bag on the sidewalk with a couple good looking steaks sitting on top. The meat was still in its packaging and didn't look like it had been tampered with. He loves a good steak as much as the next guy, but his first reaction was to bolt, and so he did. Was this a classic case of meat trap?


Undoubtedly. That meat was laid out there by a cracky who knows you can't resist a free ribeye, especially with beef prices going through the roof. You'd do best to avoid it.

Royal Anteater:

Do you think James Bond masturbates?

Yes. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of self-pleasuring devices Q has engineered strictly so that Bond doesn't get too mixed up with femme fatales out in the field. Because when you think about it, Bond is a horrible employee. He destroys everything in his path. He fucks everyone. He places an unnecessary number of people in harm's way. He needs government-issued hologram porn just to be held in check.


By the way, if they can make a hologram Tupac, they can make hologram porn. This needs to be made a reality sooner rather than later.


What would happen if the President became a spokesperson for various products? Like, if he just started filming commercials for Pepsi. Outside of the usual backlash from people who like the other party, would it be a big deal?


I'm not even sure it's legal. Obviously, it presents a massive conflict of interest because it would tell the general public that the president was more beholden to corporate interests than that of the American people. That's true already, of course. The presidents takes all of his orders from Big Soda: who to nuke, which laws to pass, which school districts get to be the first to sample delicious Pepsi Echinacea, etc. But best to leave all that implied, rather than out in the open. The people at Big Soda aren't dumb. They know it's better to leave the president with an illusion of legitimacy. It's far more effective than sticking Obama in an ad with whatever idiot wins The X Factor.


What if a real Terminator was sent back to our time from the future? How long would it take for a.) the pundits to actually put together and admit it is a Terminator, and b.) actually have the cops / army to take him/her out? Are we looking at damage and costs worse then Sandy? I feel like if there was a T1000 roaming streets of Manhattan, shit would get wild.


Well, remember that a Terminator has only one kill objective and will resort to stealth if the situation requires it, like when it has to morph into Eddie Furlong's foster mom and then hand-knife his foster dad. Fucking awesome. Also, it depends on what kind of Terminator would arrive. If you're talking about the traditional Arnold model, that's easier to contain than a T-1000. I think the threat would be neutralized much faster than you might expect. This is America. We don't let people go around indiscriminately killing other people for long, unless it happens in downtown Baltimore.

As for the pundits, they'd get everything wrong. Including me. I would get irrational and blame it on Roger Goodell. Dick Morris would predict the Terminator winning the governorship of New Jersey. Andrew Sullivan would declare the Terminator a consequence of climate change. We'd fuck it all up.


Email of the week time!


A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I bought tickets to see the Colts play the Jets at the Meadowlands. I am head over heels in love with Andrew Luck and a huge Colts fan so I was very excited to see him play in person. Much to my relief, a guy sitting behind me was wearing a Dwight Freeney jersey. In a stadium full of 70,000 variations of The Situation, this was a huge relief to me. Turned out that he was the single worst fan in the world.

When I first sat down, I gave him a nod and showed off my Colts shirt. He instantly says, "Oh, I ain't a fan of these losers. I just like my boy Freeney. I'm a Broncos fan."

He then explains to me that he is going to be a Broncos fan for the next five years and then jump back to the Colts after Peyton Manning retires. Hmm, by my calculations, that puts him right on track for Andrew Luck superstardom and (hopefully) championship levels. THAT'S NOT ALLOWED.

He then proceeded to say over and over, "Oh, Peyton makes that throw." or "That ain't my QB." anytime Luck threw an incompletion. Of course, the Colts lost. As this guy is leaving, he says, "Peyton would never lose a game like that." Oh yeah, because Peyton never lost playoff games by 41 points, or threw crippling interceptions to lose the Super Bowl. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

Permission to anoint Indianapolis Colts fans as the worst fanbase in football based on this one man.


Permission granted. I know most Colts fans are not like this, but fuck that guy. He's the worst.